Falcon Saga

My Hero

2012-01-18T22:39:00.000-08:00

In 5 years I hope to still be a hero but not a hero like the one on paper, he seeks his own glory and pride, but I hope to be the selfless hero who lovingly leads and serves his family. The first hero is selfish and self-serving but I aspire to be like Christ, the selfless Savior, the Suffering Servant, Who sought to die so others may live. My Hero.

ZimTrip

2011-09-16T04:42:00.000-07:00

ZimTrip: Emsizini Secondary School

2011-09-03T10:11:00.000-07:00

Zimbabwe was a great experience and this is the first of many videos displaying what I did in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe.

Farewell Britt!

2011-07-19T16:45:00.000-07:00

God's love

2011-05-18T13:15:00.001-07:00

By God's grace, I am a recovering hedonist, narcissist, humanist, ....

DJ TY @ Becca's wedding

2011-04-10T20:39:00.000-07:00

2011-02-28T20:31:00.000-08:00

It is truly difficult to believe God in this time but I most in Him. It is hard to trust to know that God will deliver my brother but I must. God has done some amazing things in this situation that has drawn glory to Himself.

I used to hate my brother, he was the bane of my existence, but God has reconciled our relationship and I now love him beyond belief

My father for the first time since I could ever remember has called out to the Lord for something and it not involving food. The only other time I can remember is when I went to Moody and had no idea how God was going to provide the finances to be there

My nephews are practicing the spiritual discipline of prayer before the age of 5

My sister has been in more prayer than she has ever been and has been forced to be conscious of God

It's difficult to know what to say to help my brother bur I have to trust in God that's really all I can muster up. My strength fails me in this moment but God is all-powerful

God please don't let my brother go to jail but redeem him. Lord, shine Your face upon that he may be saved. AMEN

New Years Theme 2011

2011-01-01T10:32:00.001-08:00

Every year, I always like to set a theme for the year, not resolution, because resolutions are usually something you want to try to do better or different or do once and that's it. No! For me, these themes are my mantras and tones for that year. Through the last 6 years I have set a theme at New Year's that guides me through the year. 2011's theme is "Unashamed", and I will need lots and lots of prayer to live out this theme everyday of my life, 2011 and beyond.

Recap:

2005 - "Year of Tyrome"- No I did not dedicate this year to me, but this was a big year for me. Getting my diploma, getting my first college degree (before my high school graduation), going off to college for the first time, making the cover of a magazine, a poem in publication, was on the news for Ramona's kids (highlights Cleveland's child prodigies), was in a newspaper, my call to ministry, preached my first sermon, and completed the greatest single semester GPA comback in the history of MVNU and possibly in undergrad everywhere. It was a year that God really exalted me, I know that sounds weird, but it was a year that God really blessed me with honors and accomplishments. I think He did that to show me that I was actually worth something.

2006 - "Giving Year back to God"- After a year full of blessings of honors, I decided to give 2006 back to God by truly trying to grow closer to Him and being led by Him. In 2006, I went on my first short-term mission trip, I completed my first year MVNU and preached my 2nd sermon. I grew closer to God to the point where I felt like I was understanding my call even more. I even started mentoring a young man that I am proud to call a brother. And October of that year, I got a new nickname <\T/>.

2007 - "Year of the Falcon"- This year I continued forward progress towards God, and understood the concept of "the Falcon". Or I lost my mind. In 2007, I recorded my first song (which I referenced myself as "the Falcon"), recorded my first video, won my 2nd election in my schooling history, and I got before Chapel twice within 2 weeks. MVNU's Spring Revival was amazing this year. That felt good. I went to Cedar Point with three of my best friends, which was one my most memorable MVNU times. I lost a best female friend, but simultaneously got a new one. I stayed in MVNU for the summer and learned more about my faith and struggled with my faith more than I ever had in my life (at that point). The Falcon began his rise!!!

2008 - "Heart of Worship"- After 3 straight positive emotionally-driven years, I felt my gratification should go to the next level, worship to God. The next process in my "pilgrim's progress" was to be humbled by God, so that I may worship Him. This year I battled brokenness, my 2nd nervous breakdown, doubts for my future, came to grips with post-undergrad life, redeemed a broken friendship, needed counseling, and needed the support of great friends to get me thru a tough time in my life. Serving on SGA prepared me for Christian service by getting into a mindset of Servant Leadership, a mindset that Jim has been instilling in me since I walked into MVNU. I ended this year holding on to my faith in God's Sovereignty and Faithfulness. I graduated from MVNU, went to Moody against my better judgment and the wishes of some UMC clergy. I finished my introduction or preamble of my journey and started the most crucial part of my life: The Rise of the Falcon!!!

2009 - "Investing into the Kingdom by Investing into People"- With the focus of my life changing ever so quickly to the exaltation and gratification of self to exaltation and worship of God, I have been touched with so many concepts going into this year. But anyways, this year was about serving God thru serving God's people, the Body of Christ.Though I passed up many opportunities to invest into people this year and initially felt like I failed, the truth is I did fairly decent job of investing into people year, and also my first year of investing something else. What I learned this year is the true necessity for community and accountability within the Body of Christ.

2010 - "Seeking God's Heart and Pursue It" - 2010 was such a heavy emotional and spiritual struggle. I questioned my call twice and both times did not get an answer i was satisfied with. Both times it was about drawing closer to God for this time. I came to the point when honestly, i didn't care if i was going to be a pastor or not, i just wanted to do God's will and nothing else. Each time, God was basically saying love me first. The heart of God is vast and complex, but His Word tells us. There is an exhaustive list of what I learned from God's heart, but basically, "love God, love people, make disciple-makers" (Bill Allison). What I struggled with this year was the practicality of ministry. I am an already unpractical person, but this year, the practicality of ministry finally set in and it created tension. Paul told me to stay in the tension, and I did. My professor spoke in class about bearing our cross, I concept that I didn't realize was the Christian life, and I went crazy. My pastor who i served under in my internship, suggested that maybe i was not called to be a senior pastor, i went crazy. And lately, I have been thinking about what I will do immediately after Moody, which is only 3 semesters away, i went crazy. The enemy targeted me heavy this year and though I went through some of the best spiritual levels i have ever been, i also went through so many dry spells and spiritual lows, and was confronted with sin and baggage (and carry-on) that i had for years, but never knew. I truthfully contemplate leaving Moody twice this year.

2011 - "Unashamed" - I got this notion from the 116 Clique when they came to Moody last month (Nov) for a concert. It was a great concert and i wouldn't have known half the songs had it not be for 9 and Brandon. But they asked a question, "How many of you are unashamed?" I raised my hand but i thought about it afterwards. What does it mean to be unashamed of the Gospel? The 116 Clique gets their name from Romans 1:16, "For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek." Well here's two things to chew on: (1) I don't actively evangelize; (2) If I were not a Christian, how would my life look any different? (I would honestly take pride in my morality and be happy in that. What does it mean to be "Unashamed"? I think it has to do with evangelizing, bearing your cross, loving God and people with subsequent desires and actions, it is practical not theoretical. When I do life, am I pointing people to Jesus Christ? Am I burdened for others to come to Christ? Does the cross of Christ make a difference in my life? So this year, my mantra is to live unashamed of my faith in Jesus Christ!

***PLEASE PRAY FOR ME THAT I WOULD BE UNASHAMED OF THE GOSPEL FOR SALVATION***

Later days ....

MAY THE LORD SHINE HIS FACE UPON YOU!!!

<\T/>

Question of the Year

2010-11-13T12:11:00.000-08:00

Is God calling me to be a pastor despite my weaknesses or are my weaknesses signs that God is not calling me to be a pastor?

Quick Update

2010-09-27T22:31:00.000-07:00

in the coming days, i will give a full update but for now i want to assure everyone that i am doing amazing. God has really taken me apart and shown me Who He really is and it has made a world-o-difference.

i just finish reading the book of Job and it was a great read but a comforting read. i think in trials, our practical theology is seen at its best or worst, and we serve a good God Who is faithful beyond what we can imagine. that means He can be trusted in times of tragedy and He never changes or waver in His love. right now im in Exodus, and you can wonder why God hardened pharoah's heart? why did God allow all this stuff to happen to Job? i wanna believe that God has bigger purpose than each trial and an opportunity to show us better every day who He is.

lastly, i want to conclude by saying that a couple of weeks ago when i wrote the last entry i was at the end of what i would like to call a "spiritual civil war" with God. when i have more time, i will explain it in full detail, but needless-to-say, God won!

Behind the Shades: CONFESSION

2010-09-01T15:24:00.000-07:00

A couple months ago, I wrote a song called "the Mannequin". The song was about a figure who didn't move, didn't have a heart, was passionless, motionless, emotionless, but at the same time adored by many. This figure lived behind a glass window, apathetic, but that glass window is a barrier that separates itself from all. People think they see the truth of this figure, but no one sees through that figure.

I wrote that song about myself because the reality is I am a Christian mannequin. Ministry was a theory, but being at such a great school that gives us an opportunity to practice our life's calling, I have found myself motionless and passionless. I'm not the most practical human being, and the practicality of ministry didn't hit me until I took a class on it. There, I silently sat feeling like a fraud. Knowing that I did none of what they spoke of.

The reality is I don't evangelize and I don't show selfless love, therefore, I am at a lost words or thoughts, or really anything. My soul has been heavily vexed, and I question my call, my salvation. And lately, the uncertainty of everything makes me question if I am a fraud. I have been crying out to God asking Him if He really wants me here and if I am truly called to being a pastor.

My mind is scattered and I don't know what say, but my life is currently in chaos because I question if I am truly called to vocational ministry (i.e., pastor) or if I am truly saved. I fear that I all this time I have been a Pharisee, giving the outward appearance of a Christian, but being deep, down something different. I have been religious and have clung to a moral pride that could never save me. When people ask when I was saved, I can't give them an answer because as far as I have known, I have gone to church and lived the identity of a Christian, and 5 years ago, when I started walking faithfully with the Lord, I did so believing He had called me to ministry.

Unfortunately, I wonder if all this time I was living a lie. I wonder if God really called me or was I just looking for something to do. Five years ago, I was in church ignoring the sermon like usual, all I could think about was what I was going to do as an occupation. I was a senior in high school, who realized they were never good at anything and never really passionate about anything, and all I could think about was the fact that anything I wanted to do ever in my life I either lost interest in or didn't feel I was good enough.

Then after service, I asked my pastor about being a pastor, and he gave me an answer that to this day I don't remember, but whatever it was, I thought it wouldn't be to bad, so that day I said to myself, 'I'm going to be a pastor!' No call. Just an idiot 17-year-old feeling he had no purpose, so he conjured his own one thinking it would lead him to heaven with a free ticket. I saw a pastor getting up and preaching every Sunday, being asked advice or prayer occasionally, and I was made.

I mentioned it to my pastor and he instructed me on Easter Sunday (March 27, 2005 --- the day after my 18th birthday) to come forward and tell the church that I accepted the call to ministry. Now when you are an idiot, now 18-year-old who obeyed everything a person in higher authority told you, you do it. So it couldn't have been scripted any better, and my parents, just about to walk out of the church doors, came back to circle around their son, who seemingly answered a call to ministry.

Hmm, I guess I had no idea what I was doing or what a call meant, but I just went along with it, believing that it was true. So I was given the identity of "pastor-in-training". I thought I found purpose. On the night of prom, my prom date, whom I had a crush on for years, questioned my salvation on account of me being timid, and then I told her I was going to be a pastor, and she went on to say that someone like me wouldn't be a pastor. I took that to heart, and spent the next 24 hours in complete depression. I can't recall ever seeing light because I was in complete darkness. Looking back, I hated that day not because I was rejected by a girl I had a crush on, but maybe I suppressed the memories of that day because someone shot down a hope that I believed in.

I recovered from that narrative believing that it was my true call to ministry. It was God saying, 'do you have courage to trust Me with who you are?' Great, now I can move on. Two months later, I was touched by a sermon at my church's UMC inter-church youth retreat. It was a good message, and they asked the congregation if you felt moved by this sermon to stand, so I stood because again I loved that sermon. Little did I realize that what they meant was if you were being led to accept Jesus as your Savior. So, idiot 18-year-old Tyrome, again made an idiotic mistake. I told them that I did, knowing I was going to get an ovation, but deep down I was like, 'uhm, I'm kinda already a Christian.'

That month, I prayed and fasted on which college God wanted me to go to (MVNU or Morehouse), and God answered my prayer in the middle of my prayer. I got a call on the phone from my aunt telling me a story of how she wanted a really nice car (Morehouse) that gave her so many problems, choosing it over an 'okay' car (MVNU) that probably would have given her no problems had she picked it. I, however, picked up on God's metaphor and chose to go with MVNU, a conservative evangelical Christian liberal arts college.

I entered the college as an accounting major, and didn't do great in it, but did enough to get by. I went that route because it was my back-up plan to ministry, and to this day, not even I understood what that meant. Maybe I wasn't too convinced of my call that this was the back-up gig, or a side gig, or idk. So after I failed an accounting class in my 4th of 6 semesters at MVNU, I decided to ditch accounting because I knew I was going to be a pastor and there was no need to put myself through any more torture. So I switched my major to Finance, then Management, so I could graduate a year early.

I struggled with having only more year left. I would be leaving my friends and everyone I loved more than family ... (idk). The summer prior to that last year, I was sitting in the Student Development office of MVNU (where I worked because I was too lazy to get a real job, and the ppl there had mercy on me), and I was doing some work, then randomly said to myself, 'I'm going to grad school as soon as I am done here.' A split second later, a lady who said she was from Moody (I remember the name because I grew up on WCRF in Cleveland) and after she left, I asked my mentor about going to Moody. He told me that if I went there, I would be opening many doors for myself, and showed me footage of Joel Osteen and all his glory (I'm sorry, I know, I wasn't thoroughly educated on this guy at that point in my life), and he said that one day that could be me. Maybe I saw success, maybe I saw glory, maybe I saw every lust of the eye possible and craved it.

So, I decided, I was going to Moody. But then my road to Moody ensued. I didn't get around to filling out the application until March, mainly because I was busy with the countless responsibilities of my life (Student Government, MCA w/ gym, school work, family, friends). The pressure of life hit me all at once, and in my final semester, sensing the end was near, I snapped on one of my best friends. Because I was so angry and realized something must be wrong with me, I took counseling. At the end, I realized that I was a little burnt out, I had bore so many burdens, and I was trying to push to the end, but I lost it. My sessions ended at the end of the semester with some hard words from the counselor, and realization that I wanted to be remembered at that college, but the way I would be remember would be through the connections I made.

Sorry, got sidetracked, but back to Road to Moody. I didn't have money, and I struggled with if that was where God wanted me to be. One Saturday night, not sure of anything, I said 'God, please tell me if this is where I am going'. Next day in church, the pastor spoke about his desire for his congregation to do something radically-insane for God that made no sense to anyone. He didn't mean it in a sense of 'go, do something stupid', but 'if God is placing something on your heart to do that is crazy, do it and do it for Him.' The next story contain a narrative of being in Chicago, and that's when I knew for sure.

Next stop was Moody. Another situation happened with me trying to get involved in a discussion of theology with my roommates, a was basically a child, in a room full of adults talking, trying to talk. And another situation when I tried to basically share theology with another student, and some other student called me out for being weak and not knowing anything. Both situations helped me to realize how much training I needed training before entering ministry.

So I got accepted in April, wonderful day! But the summer was full of wondering how I was going to pay for Moody. Another night I prayed asking if this was where He wanted me to be on a Saturday night, and the next day, an interim pastor spoke at my church (a woman, I know I know, this was before I read the passage concerning this). She spoke, and oddly enough, this UMC female pastor actually went to Moody. Weirdness! She prayed over me and said I should definitely go there. Part of my struggle at this point in summer 2008 was that many UMC clergy wanted me to go to a Methodist seminary, not Moody. So I struggled wondering if God wanted me at Moody or a Methodist seminary. On the night before my departure, having no money or idea what God wanted, I cried. I, literally, cried saying, 'this is my life on the line, please show me'.

Next day, I set out to Chicago with my family, with the UMC in one ear and the bill collector in the other ear. I was completely unsure if I was supposed to be at Moody. Eventually the money came through with the aid of a generous lady who heard me preach over the summer. So I get there, I struggle through that first semester with a job as a fundraising telemarketer (not anything I would like, but i actually did well thanks to God, cuz it obviously wasn't me). I lost 12 pounds that semester from stress and poor eating habits, and well drinking a lot of Tetley.

1 semester in, I thought I was good, but no I wasn't. God got me there but He wanted more outta me. That semester, I was convicted that I did not truly love God, and I showed less love for people, unless they were best friends. I struggled over that concept throughout the semester, in the summer, I forgave my brother of the countless years of hatred towards him, thanks to my Missions prof.

That summer (2009) I passed up a ministry opportunity in order to be in Cleveland for our first NBA championship, unfortunately, we lost as soon as I got home. That situation showed who the king of my life was, not Jesus, apparently. It was a terrible summer, but the best part of my summer was being able to be around my family the whole summer. I didn't realize that until I came back to Chicago. I also made a terrible mistake, I went to UMC youth retreat as a counselor under guilt of missing out on the aforementioned ministry opportunity. There, I went before everyone and said I was going to go through the UMC ordination process, which most UMC clergy eagerly desired of me. I went forward because the text being preached on was the "Peace, Be Still" episode, and I believe the Spirit was asking me how much I trusted in the Lord for ministry. So I, for the second time, came up under false pretenses.

Turns out in order to go UMC, I would have to leave Moody. WHAT??!?!!!?? The UMC would not recognize my degree from Moody. So I didn't do it. I struggled that next semester wondering if I disobeyed God, but I talked to my Greek III professor and he helped me understand the more important issue. I was so focused on my future, that I didn't think about the fact my theology being shaped at Moody is not consistent with the UMC, and I should be concerned for the UMC because as their clergy, I shouldn't be preaching in contrary to what they stand for. It's not about me, it's more so about them. That is when I decided that it was final, I'm not going that route. Lastly, another reason why I didn't want to go that route is because since my first year at MVNU, I have been told of some questionable practices of the UMC, like ordaining homosexual clergy and faulty theology. Now as far as the homosexual clergy issue goes, I believe that it is no different from a clergy who cheats on his wife, or steals, or whatever sin, but if it is open like that, we should really be mindful of the Word of God, It is our litmus test.

So the UMC hurdle has been cleared, but there's a new issue. In Spring 2010, I was convicted by the passage on bearing my cross in Luke 14:25-33, "The Cost of Discipleship". That is when I was confronted with the fact that ministry, salvation, discipleship, all of it took a complete and full surrender to God. Earlier in February, during Founder's Week, the theme was along the lines of being ppl after God's own heart, which was also my theme for the year. I listened to Dr. Nyquist opening sermon speaking on Saul and going to Acts 13:22, and it was revealed that a person (gender inclusive) after God's own heart is defined by their obedience to do all of God's will. I sat there stunned, saying to myself, "I can't do that". I didn't know what I meant specifically, but I knew I couldn't do it.

As I talked to my Missions prof about following that class discussion on the Cost of Discipleship/Crossbearing, I spilled out everything I was thinking, and I have to admit my struggle didn't start then, it started Spring semester 2009 on my love for others, Fall 2010 on if I was truly saved because I didn't resemble the same zeal that so many Moody students (both grad and undergrad) displayed, then it came down to realizing in Spring 2010 that this whole discipleship-thing, I don't remember signing up for. We ended our meeting asking if I should return this Fall or not. I was also convicted that I came after this journey to ministry for selfish reasons, and I wondered if God really desired for me to be in ministry if the roots were tainted. I asked for prayer from anyone I could think of, and I didn't clearly discern God say leave, so I just operated under the assumption that I will stay the course until something happens. It was the first time I was transparent with so many people at one time. I distinctly remember hearing my friend say to stay in the tension, somehow, I felt like that was the best advice I got.

I signed up for an internship, and was afraid at first because I thought the internship would push me too far. Ultimately, it pushed me beyond that, I decided to go with it because I knew it would be the litmus test to if I was truly called to this. My internship stretched because I came face-to-face with true urban ministry that I could not hide from and a pastor who had a heart for family, evangelism, and strong leadership. All areas that I would rank in the 23%ile of all Evangelical Christians. Evangelism was relatively new to me because I never really heard about it growing up, I never practiced it, and I didn't know I was supposed to do it as a Christian until I came to Moody and had class on it, which the class really sparked this whole issue.

So I tried evangelism three times that summer and failed each time. I went with this church because the morning after I sent an email asking if someone needed an urban intern, the pastor sent an email back saying that they were praying for one. So I took the internship, but didn't pray to confirm if this was God's will, the only prayer was if God wanted me to do an internship to hook me up with one or I'll just wait. So much like my first "calling to ministry" on March 27th, I walked into something without counting the costs, just like the Cost of Discipleship narrative in Luke.

I struggled this past summer. I wanted to be real with staff there so I told them that I was at that moment questioning my call to vocation ministry, and the pastor said to me (after I had some belief that I was still called to it) that I may not have been called to be a senior pastor, but maybe an associate pastor instead. I left that meeting feeling defeated. In my mind, senior pastor was the end game or part of the end game, and having a closed, non-negotiable fist to that concept, I was being told that I may not have been called to it. God eventually worked on me to be willing to open up that palm and not to cling to something so tightly that it was an idol. Then I met the other pastor interns at this church from Trinity, a great godly man who loved the Lord, and I said to myself, 'y'know I wouldn't mind serving next to that guy as an associate pastor.'

During that summer internship, I struggled with believer's baptism because in order to join the church I needed to be "re-baptized", which I did eventually. I struggled in my position because I was awful at it, I lied to the pastor, then beat myself up about it even after he forgave me and forgot about it. My last stand was in August when after dealing with the reality that I didn't evangelize, therefore I question my salvation and calling. With all the issues from the whole summer returning at once, I was hesitant to join the church, but I decided to do so as an act of obedience to God and because my desire to run away from the church was motivated by fear, sin, and discouragement of my poor performance. At end of the internship, I realized that my poor performance was due to a lack of passion what we were doing there in ministry.

My lack of passion is what separates me from the many Moody students who are willing to go to the ends of the earth for the Gospel, who love Jesus Christ with everything (even counting the costs), and are zealous to do good works (Titus 2:14). I went into this semester unsettled on if I should stay here and I am willing to withdraw at a moments notice if I discern God clearly say leave. But what I have heard was stay in the place that your heart was broken (spoken from a dear sister who was reflecting on what the Spirit told her).

I want in. I don't care about the costs anymore, my life if worthless already if I don't have Christ. My fear of being here not being of the Lord, is something I continue to question, but the mere fact that He made a way countless times and hooked me up with jobs and godly people to emulate, makes me wonder how much of this was a real question. My mother always tells me about how when my countenance is low, Satan is having a field day. Well, she's right and he probably has been enjoying the last month of my life, but I wanna believe that the Lord of Breakthrough is working like I've never seen before to make a change.

BOTTOMLINE: I can't say God has called me to do anything besides abide in Him. I want the power of the resurrection to be real in my life. I don't wanna walk pass someone and not be broken for their salvation. My Urban prof said that a lack of an evangelistic focus is a lack of a brokenheart. Well that's where I wanna go and be. I want a brokenheart, for this city, for this nation, for this world. My faith has been my own personal and private faith, but God is calling me to a more public, overt faith. My selfish faith must now be selfless. It's time to a man, who is passionately selfless (I got that from a dear friend's father). I want God to search my heart and break it for Him that it may be synced. I have been having fear of being a fraud or that I am being fake and ppl can see straight through. That I am hiding behind a facade that though I didn't construct (on purpose), but I haven't been intentional in breaking it. I do have a weak sense of the calling on my life, but I must believe in an able, all-powerful God to firm it. My dependence is on Him. I am tired of living in the name of tyrome, but now I must live in the name of Jesus Christ because it is no longer about me, nor has it ever. I must truly live a crucified life, like that of my mission verse in Gal. 2:20.

Be Bold.
Be Vulnerable.
Be Broken.

SUCH GREAT HEIGHTS

Home?

2010-08-26T11:56:00.000-07:00

Where is my home? Where is my Refuge?

Confession from Conviction

2010-08-26T11:42:00.001-07:00

I am convicted on how much I have been motivated heavily in life by pride and idolatry, and this summer during my internship, God really called me out on both. My idols are found in sports (Lebron James and the Cavs), friendships, romantic relationships, and a fixation that God has called me to be a senior pastor one day (which at this point, I am not entirely certain about). I wonder if studying here at Moody is actually of the Lord, and if not, then I labor in vain (PSA 122:1). At times, I am more of a Pharisee, giving God external praise, but deep down is a heart that is still yet fully surrendered to God. As far as sensing God’s commands as burdensome, I think about how I have little desire to evangelize or to truly love others selflessly; I should be doing both out of a sheer love of God. Lastly, I am guilty of elevating the opinions of others to be God’s voice when I cannot clear discern what He is saying.

Shorter version of promo

2010-08-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

Classes start in a week so that means new season starts soon. Check a condensed version of my promo

Farewell to Arms

2010-08-11T18:57:00.000-07:00

Due to certain people misinterpreting the purpose of this video and the intensity of people's perception of the message of this video, I took it off of Facebook, and now it will be exclusively on my blog.

This video is dedicated to the best friends at Moody that I lost last semester. May God make straight their paths and shine His face upon them!!!

Corinne Bailey Rae helps me say goodbye, enjoy:

Such Great Heights

2010-07-10T21:37:00.000-07:00

It's been 5 years since God called me to a deeper understanding of Who He is. And to reflect on 5 years of intentional Christian living and my calling, we look to the future. We look to the next chapter of this Falcon Narrative.

Over the last 5 years, I have grown to Such Great Heights in stature and favor with God and man, but in the next season of my life I must be willing live without fear of falling from Such Great Heights.

I have been guarded and have put up layers to hide my true self, but next season I must be willing to be transparent and risk Such Great Heights in the eyes of others, so that God can be further glorified in my life. It's not a requirement, it's my life.

Can the Falcon risk his very image in order to be willing to fall from Such Great Heights??????!!!!???!?!?!????!!!;

Intern Chronicles #002

2010-05-31T20:22:00.000-07:00

The internship at UBC is going pretty well, unfortunately, it is not all fun and games. I applied to get my internship endorsed through the Baptist denominational organization, but I was declined the endorsement because the issue of baptism. I got a call from someone from the organization during my job, and he explained to me that they could not endorse me because I have not received a believer baptism.

Now some may automatically deem it to be unjust or denominationalism, but it must be understood that in order to gain endorsement, I must be part of a Baptist church, and in order to be a member, one must receive believer baptism. So yes it is a denominational rule coming into play, but I can respect their notion behind so.

To give the backdrop of this issue, I grew up in a United Methodist church, in which I was baptized as an infant, and the only one of my parents' 3 kids to have been baptized as a baby (I feel there is significance in that seen in my life). The Baptist denomination and others do not uphold infant baptism to be "legit" or biblical; others would beg to differ. Recently, my friend showed me a book that supports infant baptism from a Covenantal Presbyterian perspective. There support came down to 2 elements of support: the accounts of whole families being baptized in the book of Acts (whole households implying children or infants) and Israelite circumcision being paralleled to infant baptism. Can't say I agree 100% or that they are heretics, but it's worth considering.

Now it starts the Bible battle of baptism. Alliterations aside, how can we process this debate? I spent the first 20 years of my life oblivious to this battle, so please excuse not know. Unfortunately, that excuse does not change the reality of facing this hurdle. My first inclination of it when I was 20 was: "Should the emphasis be on the water baptism or the baptism of the Holy Spirit?" I believe that question is valid, but not many would consider it in this discussion.
Is it necessary for someone having been baptized as a child, lived a life of Christian identity, gone through confirmation class (UMC supplementation of believer's coming to faith, despite being baptized as an infant), and have been living an intentional Christian life and ministry prep for 5 years to be baptized?

That is my struggle. I've asked friends, I've asked others, but what I have come down to is that I since I did not exactly want the endorsement because of the money involved, I would not go through a 2nd baptism, but if I am to join UBC, I would have to get baptized again. This baptism would not represent me becoming a Christian or anything like that, but it would represent coming before a congregation to make a public confession of faith and joining their community. This will be a decision that will possibly influence the future of my life and ministry.

I blame myself. When I decided to seemingly leave the UMC by not going to a Methodist seminary, I should've known that if go to any other denomination or any kind of church, I will have to submit to their authority. That means if I go Baptist, I must get baptized, and if I go Mehtodist, I must leave Moody.

Not much of a Catch 22 ...

Intern Chronicles Entry #001

2010-05-25T08:59:00.000-07:00

First day on the job, and I did nothing. Was it a waste of time? I think not. I would like to hope that God is bigger than what we normally expect. I didn't do work, but I got to fellowship with my new fellow bondservants at Uptown. They have such a zeal about them and you can tell God is in their hearts.

I am currently reading a book called "Divine Appointments", which is for a membership class. The pastor is teaching a class on knowing, discerning, and taking advantage of divine appointments to minister. An area of my life, in which I struggle. Two things I've learned thus far: it starts with God and we need to be intentional about it.

I am currently struggling on the issue of baptism be cause I cannot join the church until I receive "believer's baptism". Though I new some denominations did not accept infant baptism, I was naive to think that it would not be an issue, but I was wrong. Sometimes you have to face the consequences of your ill-advised decisions, and live with them. Will I be baptized? I might. In order to have this internship, I have to be a member, in order to be a member, I must be baptized.

Mothers' Day Fiasco

2010-05-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

It turns out being really busy doesn't excuse you from saying "Happy Mothers' Day" or having not gotten back from church until 2:30 pm, and having not been able to call your mother before then is a sin as well.

So today was the worst Mothers' Day ever, and the Cavs lost Game 4 to the Celtics, which makes it worst. So here is my apology to my mother (I wore purple because it's here favorite color):

Monickers & Pseudonyms

2010-04-03T07:36:00.000-07:00

Many may wonder why I call myself "the Falcon", and well that's a great question. It is not because I have some weird obsession with such a majestic bird, but because I have an obsession with the show "Boy Meets World". It is my favorite show of all times, and I simply love it.

I, accidentally (it definitely was an accident), called myself "the Falcon" at dinner one night in the presence of some friends, in an effort to do what I usually, say something off the wall that utterly made no sense. Unfortunately, one of my friends decided to harass me about and kept calling me that. Eventually, the name stuck, and I fell in love with it.

Now "Boy Meets World" plays a role in this because only reason I made that joke of calling myself "the Falcon" was because I watched this episode and thought it was funny enough to repeat. Take a look (it starts around the 7:12 mark):

God's Suffering Servant/Our Suffering Savior

2010-04-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

Behold, my servant shall act wisely;
he shall be high and lifted up,
and shall be exalted.
As many were astonished at you—
his appearance was so marred, beyond human semblance,
and his form beyond that of the children of mankind—
so shall he sprinkle many nations;
kings shall shut their mouths because of him;
for that which has not been told them they see,
and that which they have not heard they understand.
Who has believed what he has heard from us?
And to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
For he grew up before him like a young plant,
and like a root out of dry ground;
he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,
and no beauty that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men;
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
But he was wounded for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his stripes we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
yet he opened not his mouth;
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
so he opened not his mouth.
By oppression and judgment he was taken away;
and as for his generation, who considered
that he was cut off out of the land of the living,
stricken for the transgression of my people?
And they made his grave with the wicked
and with a rich man in his death,
although he had done no violence,
and there was no deceit in his mouth.

Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush him;
he has put him to grief;
when his soul makes an offering for guilt,
he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand.

Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied;
by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant,
make many to be accounted righteous,
and he shall bear their iniquities.
Therefore I will divide him a portion with the many,
and he shall divide the spoil with the strong,
because he poured out his soul to death
and was numbered with the transgressors;
yet he bore the sin of many,
and makes intercession for the transgressors.

1st Sermon in Comm. of Biblical Truth

2010-03-26T15:30:00.000-07:00

"When Worlds Collide"

2010-03-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

My friends from MVNU came to visit me in Chicago, and just like that 2 worlds of my life (MVNU & Moody) collided in one of the most epic collisions since Jay-Z and Linkin Park. Here is the recap:

Look what I can do ...

2009-12-15T16:31:00.000-08:00

you give me a camera, and i go crazy

Summer's Over and Season II is upon us

2009-08-09T09:29:00.000-07:00

Rise of the Falcon - Season II

"A Greater Season for a Breakthrough"

Cedar Point Anomaly

2009-08-02T16:19:00.000-07:00

I am ashamed to say that I got addicted to a certain musical, that I will go unnamed. Seeing the musical's main character having all his friends around him and my separation from all my best friends made me want to have them all together at one time, at one place. That's when it hit me, we should go to Cedar Point.

So I send a massive text message to people to get them to go. Three people were all for it, mostly everyone else did not immediately respond. My potential guest list was at about 10-12. I decided to shoot for 8. Tragedy struck as 1/2 of my best friends chose not to go. Then another great friend declined. But I was still looking at about potentially 6. So another friend going buys a 4 tickets on a deal I found.

A maybe was looking like a definite, and another person was silent, but then said she would go. Unfortunately, when she found out about the date, it turns out she had another engagement that day.

And then there was 5. I tried to get a 6, but they declined. Then, one of the people ended up having a wedding that day, and forgot to tell me she couldn't go.

And then there was 4. Four is a good group to go with, and since we had 4 tickets, I tried to make sure that the 4 we had was for sure. Well, one of the people I tried to get in touch with did not answer texts or calls. Then I get a call one morning and he said he couldn't go because of work.

And then there was 3. Well the last 3 were solid so I knew I had to try to find a 4th for that day. It was me, a guy, and girl, so I was hoping to find a girl that we all knew. Efforts were unsuccessful. Then another person had to backed out for personal reasons.

And then there was 2. I felt like Paul when he wrote that the only one with me now is Luke (2 Tim. 4:11a). All that was left was me and the person who bought the tickets. He mentioned that he might have something going on that day, and actually we didn't go yesterday.

lol

At first, it was kinda depressing, but now that I look at it, I actually think it's funny. Turns out you can't get what you want or desire most. We must remember that we can't force things to conform to our will. We must be willing to acknowledge that even if we are narcissist, that the world does not bend to our wants. Our lives are not about getting what we want and being happy. I wanted a Cavs championship, but we lost, and I wasted this summer wanting something as unattainable as a championship in Cleveland.

So this further contributes to the worst summer of my life. Can't wait til it's over ...

T-minus 13 days ...

Then ...

Hello Chi-town 2.0

Turning Point

2009-08-01T17:05:00.000-07:00

Fear cannot begin to describe what I am feeling now, as I have taken the 3rd step to the rest of my life. I have been fighting off the UMC because I never really liked it. I never wanted to be caught up in denominationalism, and thus wanted to be in a non-denominational church, but someone once told me that the animal does not exist because it within itself functions like a mini-denomination. What separate it is that it has no denominational affiliation. Essentially, I recognize it as “Indy”.

Anyways, Thursday night’s service at MRI finally broke my defensive shell to fight off the influence of the United Methodist Church. Our theologian this year was a pastor of a Methodist church with Baptist-background roots. His theology initially seemed more Baptist, but after some further investigation, his theology was nearly even with some agreements and disagreements on both sides. He confirmed that it was possible to have Baptist theology in a Methodist realm, and has offered to help me to preach without getting into issues of theology and doctrine.

I guess what I am looking at is the fact that my life is about to change, and how being a pastor has been solidified. Going forward it finally hit me what was before me. Knowing you’re pregnant is drastically different from having the baby in your arms for the first time, and all this time I was focused on knowing that being a pastor was down the road, but it seemed as though in an instance the reality of it all hit me. I feel this is where God is leading me, though against what I want, but I don’t have peace about it all together.

Once the realization of going through the process fully hit me, I thought about what was ahead of me, the stress, the pain, falling from a high place of praise in the eyes of others and God to a lowly, forsaken stature shadow of a man. Keeping in mind scandals that arise from undisclosed sins of my past that still echo in my heart and the fact that there will be people who will willfully want to bring me down, some internal, as in family, some external. I thought about my family, the pressures that will arise from ministry and family, pressures on wife and kids. That I must be extra careful to be sure of the wife God gives me because she must be called to this position as “Pastor’s wife”, my partner in ministry. It is essential to be matched up with God’s choice because we will need each other in ministry and will need to pray with each other.

Thoughts of an escaping the UMC when I need to or knowing when I need to disagree because what I am being asked is ungodly. Was coming forward a rash, premature, or ill-advised move? I will soon now. I just petition before God that this be His Will and doing because if it isn’t, then I want no part of it. That is why at this particular point in my life, I really need to rely solely on God because He is the only one who can give me comfort in this period and show me where I am going. I am scared and I see the pain that lies before me and even being warned of the politics of bishops who oversee and appoint pastors, and basically have control over people. When do I rebel against what a bishop is forcing me to do when I know God has something else. One thing I do see somewhere down the line is that I might have to leave the UMC…

Worst Summer Ever

2009-07-31T09:48:00.000-07:00

... My name is Falco Peregrina, and this is the worst summer of my life.

--- I came home to Cleveland just to see the Cavs win the NBA Championship
--- Cavs swept through the first two rounds, but lost when I came home.
--- I didn't get an internship in Cleveland that would have given me a lot of money.
--- I have been broke almost this entire summer.
--- I haven't hung out that much at all
--- I waste my life watching TV all day every day
--- I couldn't get a job, except working as a cleaner
--- My job is a franchise that just started so I have yet to get paid besides $70 that I used to buy a roundtrip to go to my friend's wedding.
--- Accidentally committed to going through the ordination process of the UMC
--- I am away from all my best friends
--- I went MRI, and almost enjoyed but because of a basketball game in which my cousin told people to double-team me which made me look really bad and an apathetic disciplinary action made it a horrible experience. (Long story)
--- I preached a superficial message, though it came out well.
--- The Cedar Point trip that I set up started with a possible guess list of 10 people, then I shot for 8, then it fell to 6, and after some people declined or unknowingly made other plans for that day, it fell from a possible 6 to 2 in only a couple of days. It was to be the crown jewel of my summer, but now its a mire memory. Not to mention it's tomorrow and the only other person might drop out too.
--- I went back to Chicago to see Rach before she left but because I had a lunch after church with a friend I missed Rachel by like a couple of minutes to see her off to the airport.
--- Irritated with the theological conversations I have with my nephews' father.
--- I haven't been working out as much as I wanted to.
--- I couldn't find a good enough apartment for me and my new roommates.
--- Spiritual apathy experienced throughout this summer.
--- My basketball skill looked worst than ever before.
--- I accidentally joined a choir, again.
--- I lied to a really close friend.
--- AND Michael Jackson died, which really sucks!!!

From the Inside Out

2009-04-19T00:20:00.001-07:00

Have you ever sat back and saw yourself from a 3rd person perspective, and actually evaluate who you are? What do you think you would see? Do you think you would be happy with what you saw? Do you think your conduct would reflect how you originally saw yourself? Could you look at your life from that perspective an admit that your life does not reflect a life glorifying to God?

Well this year, I have had the pleasure to see myself in that perspective, and I was not happy with what I saw. I saw a selfish, glory seeker who operated as if he was the only one who mattered or was worth anything. A person who would willfully ignore the needs of others because it didn't coincide with his initial agenda. I saw a portrait of a person whom I could never imagine being around for more than an hour.

It all started a year ago with someone whom I truly admire as a dear sister in Christ admitted that she was selfish. Being able to attest to her godly character as a woman of God and seeing selfless acts of kindness from her, it was a little bit of a shock to here her say that. But what it did was it stirred something in my spirit and made me aware of myself, and it made me aware of that same conviction.

As God has continued to shape for ministry here at Moody, I have been overwhelmed with the kindness and the selfless love that many people have shown; it has truly humbled me. Not saying I was comparing myself to them, but it showed me how an authentic Christian faith and life was truly lived out. I saw transparency that I was not willing to adhere to, and I saw people who gave of their resources, their time, their energy, and their life, not for some sense of duty, obligation, or glory (my motivations), but just because. (I miss you, Mike)

I fasted twice in the last three days, and it has revived a dead prayer life, but something amazing happened on the first day I fasted. Thursday night prayer: two wonderful individuals open up their home and their hearts every Thursday night for fellowship, worship, and prayer. They do this not because it makes them look holy, but because they enjoy and love it.

As I sat there, people were asked what song they wanted the group to sing, and when it came to me, I went with "From the Inside Out" (they already did "Mighty to Save", my first choice). As much as, I have come to truly embrace and enjoy hymns, I had to go with a Hillsong. So as we were singing, I thought about the words (which is what I have been doing with all the songs), but for some reason the words hit me harder than usual. It is that same reason I picked that song.

To me, the strongest lyric from that song was: "the art of losing myself". That hurts because it is my biggest snare and struggle, myself. And to say "the art" makes it pragmatic and abstract, as I sit here wondering how I can learn this "art" of losing myself, and how it plays out in my everyday life. What I need is to be consumed from the inside out, a cosmetic change that starts in my heart,for it to become a circumcised heart.

As a few others and I were leaving, I was standing outside the door talking to one of my favorite people in the Chi, and I thought about the song, and even reflecting on the epistle of James (a report many people had to turn in this week), I came to a conclusion that God had revealed to me. (My roommate was talking about James and how it emphasizes works a lot, and I responded how I thought the emphasis on works in James was that works permeates from our faith. Faith and works go hand and hand and from our faith we are compelled to do such works.)

That is when I thought about how weak my faith was that I have not come to a point in my life where works or acts of selflessness have naturally permeated from my faith. It has been painful to come to this revelation. From knowing that I was not truly in love with Jesus Christ, to knowing that I didn't love others unconditionally, to realizing that I am a man of little faith. That man in the mirror doesn't look as great as I originally thought.

I have poorly misjudged many people I have met here, and I am thankful to have been wrong, but the person I misjudged the most was myself, and my life should truly reflect my "mission verse" that I have committed to memory in English and Greek:

Χριστῳ συνεσταυρομαι. ζω δε ουκετι εγο, ζῃ δε εν εμοι Χριστος, ὁ δε νυν ζω εν σαρκι, εν πιστει ζω τῃ του υἱου του θεου του αγαπησαντος με και παραδοντος ἑαυτον ύπερ εμου. --- Galatians 2:20

The Secret Project

2009-01-23T21:20:00.000-08:00

Return of the Falcon

2009-01-18T23:10:00.000-08:00

Well my triumphant return to MVNU was beautiful. It felt great to come back to MVNU, to be around ppl i haven't seen in forever, and to be shown so much love. I'm glad I had the chance to fellowship with great friends, the warm embraces, and just being able to see everyone face 2 face rather than over text or facebook messages.

It has been a tough year for everyone, but it has been a year that God has taken each one of us and has molded us to be stronger, better, for Him. I thank God for your struggles and for mine because He is using this struggles, despite pressure from the enemy, to refine us to, to draw us closer to Him, to humble to a point of just reliance on God.

But back to my visit, nothing was funnier than going to make some tea, and I walked passed Wendi w/o her knowing it was me, and then I came up to her and asked if Student Dev. had honey, she looked up and was like "WHOA". Many people recognized my voice, and others saw me from a distance and ran up to me, and gave me a huge hug.

There is nothing like that feeling, a feeling that ppl love you and truly missed you. I couldn't have expected anything better than being treated like someone who was treasured and meant a lot to so many ppl. I am just in awe of how God has used others to show me love, show me that I am not alone in this world.

<\T/>HANK YOU!!!

Make custom t-shirts at CustomInk.com

2009-01-16T20:50:00.000-08:00

When you love someone, you love them through the heartbreaks and the scars. when those heartbreaks and scars become idols, you love that person through their idolatry. i fell in love with a girl, who is worth so much more than she will ever know. men have broken her heart and recently, she has seen two of her best male friends break her heart. though i plead "not guilty", you will beg to differ. it comes a point when you refuse to take blame for something that was out of your hands, and you have to call people out on their idolatry. not to get on your own self-righteous soapbox, but to remind the of God. my new hebrew name is Zechariah, which means "YHWH has remembered", but I want to believe that this name means, "remember YHWH". i love her, not in a romantic sense, but i love her in a way that makes me value her friendship and fellowship. it hurts that she hates me, or wants to inflict physical pain on me, but if she wants to destroy our friendship of 2 1/2 years, i must honor her decision, but no matter what i will undoubtedly love her to the bitter end. but no matter if she hates me forever or not, but i hope that in my reaction to her or how i live my life will compel her and others to remember YHWH.

1.16.11

Post-Falconistic MVNU: 3-part Half Season Premier

2008-12-25T11:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I believe, we were not meant to be in certain times in certain places, that God puts us in certain places for certain times. We are put in places for seasons, and then we are uprooted. Maybe to grow more, to experience new things, or maybe to not be where you once were. But it is weird to look at an environment that I once was, and know that I was not meant to be there now.

In a couple weeks, I will be returning to my alma mater at MVNU. Even in the summer and one semester that I have been gone, there has been some significant changes. Changes that I probably would have not been able to deal with if I existed in that society on a regular basis, without having my 3rd nervous breakdown.

I call it a "Post-Falconistic" MVNU. An MVNU that exists without me, and without my influence. The biggest development that I would have to come to grips with is the fact that my always relatively accessible best friend has a girlfriend. Its difficult to know that my relatively accessible best friend may not be as accessible as I would like. If I were around, chances are I would have tried to influence him not to get in a relationship with any girl because I am going thru a stage where I am kinda "anti-relationships". I have not come to terms with it yet and I think I would have felt a little better if he was dating someone I knew, but its something I will have to get over because he could marry her one day, and as 1/2 of my best friend duo and best men, I will have to deal with it anyways.

The second half of the duo that keeps me sane in this lonely world is dealing with anxiety of graduating. He is coming up on his last semester, and not having a job set up after graduation has been the root of his anxiety. I can certainly understand. I worked 2 jobs to pay for grad school and it made me appreciate so much more how undergrad was almost worry-free compared to life now. Finding a job is difficult enough with the economy the way it is. People believe that the Obama adminstration will help things pick-up, but I don't trust in the hands of men, but rather God's. I pray God would help him find a job that is closely associated with his degree, and I have faith he will.

With a new chaplain, new leader in student development, a protege going thru a massive spiritual trial, a best friend possibly falling for another best friend, a mentor who is working alone, and a handful of other Falconry members going thru distress, makes this a very interesting visit.

I miss my friends and they certainly miss me, and I am told that regularly. It feels good to be missed, and to feel like you belong somewhere that people seriously miss you. Dare I say that I did not feel that same acceptance in my home. I grew up bitter, depressed, spiteful, and cold. I blame my family, global warming, or public housing. I think global warming would be more plausible. I can't wait to get back, but I hope that I can handle a small dose of it. Its almost like the return of Jack Bauer to CTU in day 5 of "24". Can Falco survive in the post-Falconistic MVNU? Find out on the mid-season premier of "Rise of the Falcon". Later Days.........

Shalom and Much Hesed to Ya!!!!!!!

<\T/>

Freak-out Friday

2008-10-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

Nearly a month ago on Friday, September 10th, I was hit with news and craziness that led me to go through about 10 emotional states in about a 7-hour-stretch. I would not wish this on my worst enemy:

Freak-out Friday's Emotional Rollercoaster:
Exhaustion - 17:00
Excitement - 18:30
Suspense - 19:07
Bitter Anger & Depression - 19:17
Impatience & Annoyance - 20:45
Awkwardness & Discomfort - 21:04
Disappointment - 22:00
Anticipation - 23:30
Compassion - 00:00

10.27.10

Aftermath

2008-09-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

I've been here for 2 years, and though I knew life was going to change this semester, I had no idea that it would be as intense as is. I just completed the single most emotionally draining week I have ever had in my life.

My best female friends have bf, first time since I've met them, I went out with a girl only to later tell her that I was interested in her, someone at my Alma mater committed suicide, my job is driving ne crazy, and finally, I am changing my schedule.

The times they are a changing but I don't want them to. Life hit me so intensely this week that by last night that I checked out of life at 10 pm and did not move. I have been malnourished and physically fatigued.

Last Friday, imagine going through 10 intense emotion shifts in a span of 4-5 hours, in which you experience joy, anticipation, suspence, bitterness, depression, happiness, anxiety, annoyance, and a couple more. Then starting your Monday morning 8-hour shift with a back and forth fb message altercation.

I have declared interest young lady, and since that declaration I have faced fear of what such a concept means for my life and praying that God would direct me to discern if my interest is of Him or of me. Along with that, I have been approached by 5 ppl concerning the "cupcake girl" from me and Paul's cupcake adventure on his birthday. Just to squash all rumers, there is no interest in cupcake girl, but I do love cake. I haven't seen her since the day we met and I haven't been looking.

A guy at my Alma mater, MVNU, committed suicide after apparently breaking up with his girlfriend. The news reached me at approximately 9.30 am Central. My heart broke and I felt compassion for a total stranger who I actually was friends with on fb. I may have recalled seeing him at least once in my time. I cried not only because someone took their life, I thought about a harsh reality that have extracted from every testimony I've given: I have attempted suicide twice. I have had suicidal thoughts and desires to die, with the most recent being a couple weeks ago in the middle of my spiritual civil war with Elohim. I told my mother the truth that day as I asked for prayer for the campus and something else. I could tell it wasn't the most comforting news to hear on a day like Thursday, but I wanted to be straight with her.

Without breakfast, I thought I could handle my job, but I couldn't and any joy I had slowly declined to near the lowest rung.

I had an intense spiritual conversation with a Christian friend exhorting him to go to church and be in the Word. Not sure if he will do either.

By the time Friday night came around I was spent. Tears were lost, loneliness was found and I wrestled with God on a potential dating relationship. Friday came around and I accidentally, triple-booked myself. As I sat in Joe's, recounting the week waiting for a friend to perform a poem, I just couldn't take it anymore. I canceled all the requests for my time and went to sleep for 10 hours. The most i've slept in months. And woke up to hw.

I'm not really ready for all these changes in life. This was not forseen (sp). Though life has been exhausting, it has been good. Though my life changes, I can rest in knowing God won't. He is immutable. He never changes or wavers in His faithfulness and in His love for me. He knows me and knows my fear, but most of all He know the outcome.

If it's one thing my spiritual civil war with God taught me: I must know and love the God I serve because when life gets crazy, I am sustained and rooted in my Salvation and God.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my Salvation and my God.

PSA 43.5

9.18.10

"Jehovah Jireh"

2008-09-06T10:58:00.001-07:00

I finally get the song, "I Exalt Thee", not that I didn't know who "Thee" was but because it was so simple and only three words. But today, God left me completely speechless, and all I could say was "I Exalt Thee".

Lately, I have been doing a lot of back and forth thinking about God's Will for my life and if coming to Moody was God's Will or my will gone wrong. I decided to go to Moody because last summer I serious considered grad school for the first time in 3 years and almost as soon as I said that to Jim, a lady from Moody came walking into Student Development, so I was like, 'ok, I'm going to go to Moody.

Fast forward a year later, being accepted but having utterly no idea how I was going to pay for school. UMC clergy kept pushing Methesco (Methodist Theological School) and Garret Evangelical Methodist Seminary on me. And if I go through the ordination process in the UMC and attend a UMC that would pretty much pay my way in there seminaries. But I wanted to go to Moody, and wasn't sure that UMC was for me.I say that because I was deeply considering the current financial issues I am facing now at Moody to be evidence that I was really suppose to go UMC. So I struggled big time! I prayed before I left to come here to Moody that if it was not God's Will, that He would stop before I left. I never felt like He did. So I came out here on faith that God would provide the finances.Blessfully, due to my internship at Cory UMC, I had enough money to pay my first 2 of 5 tuition payments for the semester, and blessfully, one of the guys here helped me get a job that pays $10.15 an hour. (THANK GOD!!!) So with that I would be able to make 4 out of 5 semester payments.

Unfortunately, I would not be able to make my 3rd payment for tuition because I haven't started my job yet.So I prayed and fasted, I even went to Oprah's studios (YES, because I sent 4 letters to her that all got thrown out) to see if I could get money for tuition. My health even declined because I was so worried about how I would be able to stay here that I am right now a little under the weather.The other day, I received text books, with the billing address being my maternal grandmother's. I called and thanked her, but she didn't pay for the books, my mother did and we spoke and when we got off the phone, she could tell that I had something in the back of my mind bothering me.

I called the acting pastor at my UMC church back home, who went to Moody and is a clergy in the UMC (Dr. Clemens), and asked for her advice because I figured she would be neutral and give me an objective position. She endorsed Moody because there they would teach me the WORD.So I owed $850 by last tuesday, and they took the money out of my debit account overdrawing my account, which threw me in a frenzy. So with tuition due and scared because I had no idea how to get the money, I stayed faithful to God. Emphatically, my mother calls me today while I was in training for my job to tell me that she just put $900 in my account, allowing me to pay tuition. It was from my grandmother.

I love my mommy (not afraid to say it). I love my grandma, too. I say all this to just let you know that God provided for me (Jehovah Jireh), and James 1:2-8, helped me get through this tough time, but I just thank God for making a way when it utterly seemed like no way, when I shouldn't have made it, but He made it possible. Thank you for those who prayed for me and I just ask that you would call your grandmothers and just thank her. It doesn't even really have to be a reason, just show her how much you love her because grandmothers rule! All in all, I feel like a heavy load was lifted off my shoulders, and now I can actually start to enjoy my time here.

But besides that, 'til we meet again (and after) ...Shalom be with you all <\T/>

Junctions

2008-08-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

Just to let you know, with a week before I move into Moody, I have become a little anal retentive because of the financial situation. While I was fasting for my journey ahead, an issue came up today about my class schedule. Because I didn't pay any money towards tuition fees by August 1st, I was dropped from all my classes. I enrolled for those classes last month and I thought I was set, for now.

With a situation like this coming up as far as finances for classes, getting a letter from a Methodist seminary, and fasting to petition for God to reveal to me His Will for me as far as the next step in my journey. I was beginning to think God was revealing to me to go instead to the Methodist seminary, but I was talking to my mother about the money dilemma and what God was revealing to her spirit about the situation.

She said that her spirit was saying that I knew where I am suppose to go in my heart, but I wasn't sure about it was good enough. She went on to say that she knows that she needs God especially when she comes to a road and doesn't know where to go from left to right. She mentioned that to show how we need God so much just to tell us to go left or right. That sparked a thought that came to mind of when I went to my Shane and Rachel Layne's wedding.

That night (8/3), I drove from Lima to Cleveland, a journey I never made. The directions I printed out from MapQuest told me to take two turns to get on route 30 east take it to I-71 N. I knew once I got to 71, then I would be good and get home, but it was getting to 71.

As I drove on what felt like forever on route 30, I approached a junction with route 30 east merging with route 67. The directions said nothing about a merger with this route and the 30 east was only merging with 67 S. Now here's my dilemma, I know in order to go home I needed to go north, but since the direction only said 30 east, which means I should stay south, but it sounded stupid to go south instead of north.

I decided to go 67 S (with 30 E), but then I decided well I know I have to go north, so I will go with north, so with a very little time to spare, I switched lanes to the left to go north. Then I thought, well I have to stick to the directions though it looks like it is taking me a direction that seems to make no sense and be counterproductive.

So with very little time to spare and at the very last second, I merge back to go south. After being on 30 east-67 south for a long time wondering if I made the right decision (as a management degree graduate, I have challenged myself to make great decisions and stick with it, like point guards and quarterbacks, especially when I start a business), I decided that the decision I made the wrong decision and that I was a complete moron to drive south when home is north.

After getting to a half-tank of gas, I knew that I should probably stop for gas at the next exit because I had no idea where I was going and it would be best for me to get gas now because I don't know when I will get the next chance. I got gas, then I called my father to see if I could use the GPS on my cell phone. He said 'yeah', but asked me if I was lost, and I said 'kinda'.

At the gas station, I asked a lady working how to get to I-71 and she said to take 67-S to the next exit to 30 east and it will take me to 71. Great! Good thing I stopped because I might not have known to get off. So I do what she says, and yet I find myself driving forever. And then I found myself approaching Mansfield, which I know is too far south, knowing I would be going near MVNU.

So I decided to call Christina to see if her GPS hand-held computer thing could help me find myself (I realize that GPS go by the position of the GPS, but there was hope that it could pull up a map of where I was). The GPS on my phone said that I didn't have enough resources (maybe battery power) to run it, so I couldn't pull it up. When I call her, she is outside of her house and gets on the computer to help me find where I was.

She asks for the nearest rod on the next exit and the city I thought I was in (Mansfield). She then tells me that 71 is actually coming up and that I should see an exit on the right that said something and when I looked up and saw that street. A couple seconds later, I see 71 down about 2 miles away (with my keen, falcon-like eyesight). Right then I knew I was going to be ok and that i would finally get home, and I did a little after midnight (I left at 8:45, and the directions said about 3 hours, so with the stop for gas, I actually made it in perfect timing).

After I got home, I realized that I went the right way because I had to south in order to hit 71. I forgot I was suppose to do that from the view of the state map.

All through the ride when I made that junction decision, I was praying to God to take me home in good time. When I made it to 71, I thanked God so much for getting me that far. My father called me 3 times, and my mother told me today when that happened that he said he couldn't go to sleep because I was kinda lost. I called him once I got to 71, to let him know I was fine, and I thanked God for a father who loved me, and even though I never really felt that love growing up, I felt it more than ever. It was a humbling experience to doubt a decision I made and to be wrong when I realized that I was initially right in that decision. God led me home!!!

And how it relates to today. Well it finally revealed to me that I am suppose to go to Moody. I have been back and forth about wondering if God's Will was for me to go to Moody like my decision at the junctions. The doubt of going to Moody came with financial obstacles coming up and UMC clergy trying to force Methodist seminaries on me, it was hard to hear God's voice over the noise pollution in my head. Me going south and thinking it made no sense was like me going to a seminary that was not the seminary of my denomination (though I don't want to go that route).

I was afraid I was trying to do my will over God's Will. So I made the decision to go south (west to Moody) and I have denounce that decision, but now I know that no matter how long this route is and how dark my path was, and how dumb it seemed to be, I am starting to see 71 and knowing that God led me to the right route, and it was the right route that will lead me home.

Shalom <\T/>

Summer Sermons

2008-08-10T17:09:00.000-07:00

Today was my sermon at the church I am interning at, and it was by far my best sermon. It was sermon 7 or 8, but it was a great improvement from the 2 previous ones of this summer.

The first sermon of the summer was on Father's Day at my home church and it was about how fathers are very important and vital in the life of children. It was good information, but the delivery was dry and I forced the landing (ending). I was feeling really good and wanted to get up there and preach really well, but unfortunately for me UMC services last forever before a sermon and there are no long sessions of Praise & Worship, like my best friend's church. So after awhile in the service, I lost all motivation to speak. It didn't help that the music was very dry and dead.

The second sermon was at a church 2 weeks ago that doesn't have a pastor. I knew that without a pastor, I had to bring my A game. Unfortunately for me, I forced it to much and it didn't come out well. The message was really good; it was about the importance of community and it had so much good knowledge in it to show why communities are so good. My landing wasn't good and I forced that too much and went on too long. The music was barely visible.

The third sermon from today, was truly the best sermon I have had. My energy was good, material was great, delivery was on point. The first summer sermon was a 5-point sermon, second was a 3-point sermon, and this one I guess was just 1-point. I compared the Call of Moses in Exodus 3 & 4 to God leading me to go to Moody. I recreated the dialogue between God and Moses; putting my own twist to it. I started with a poem I wrote (it was the previous poem). I ended the sermon with my own story of my journey to Moody. The landing was better than the first two, but not that great. That one was by far my best and the music was really good. My former choir director is at this church and had really great music that really kept me in the spirit.

The night before this sermon, I really prayed hard and for the first I cried and was balling my eyes praying about Moody, praying about my sermon, and praying about all my life issues that I was going through, and I felt so much comfort in God that I broke down because I knew what I was going through was not going to last like all the other problems I've ever faced. God brought me through this and as I look to the next journey, a reassuring voice told me to be patient with the Holy Spirit. And with God working on His Time not ours and with less than 2 weeks left, it's time for me to really have faith that it will will be ok and God will handle that.

shalom <\T/>

Untitled #5 (Chi-Town Bound)

2008-08-08T14:51:00.001-07:00

Where I am going? What am I suppose to do?
So many paths lie before me, which one leads me to You?
So many times I’ve been down this road of depression
You’d think after the first time I would’ve learned my lesson
So instead I sit here guessing
It’s for that very same reason that I have so many questions
Like who am I suppose to be? And where am I being led?
And which one of these roads will have me end up dead?
Yet a still small voice I hear reassures me safety
But in the midst of that, I still say ‘maybe’
Is it this road? How can I be so sure?
What new trials will I face? What new burdens most I endure?
Can I master these uncharted waters without a tour?
It’s this one? Are You sure?
Is it really the path less traveled and roamed?
Is it really the one that will take me away from everything I’ve ever known?
How can I be so sure this path leads me to You?
Rid me of my own intuition, so I can rely on You

Falcon Epilogue

2008-05-30T14:51:00.000-07:00

How does it feel to be in the center of God's Will? That every step you take, you are slowly moving towards God?

Have you ever felt like you were meant to do something great? That there is something more than what you see before you?

Part I

About 3 years ago, I took the first step towards the rest of my life. I made a decision to deny my will and to follow God. I didn't regret that decision, and even after my trials and triumphs, I was reassured that God meant for me to be at a place such as this. I've grown! After being accepted to Morehouse College in Atlanta, Georgia, God stepped in and gave me another option. Morehouse, an HBCU, a prominent all-male school that had so much promise for a young African American man wanting to grow. Dynamic? Of course.

One day, my mother told me to fill out yet another college application in late May/June, my 14th application. I had been accept to each of the previous 13, but none of them gave me real financial support. That 14th school I applied to was the one I chose. Throughout the summer, I juggled going to Morehouse College and Mount Vernon Nazarene University, a small Christian liberal arts college in rural mid-Ohio. That sounds glamorous compared to Atlanta! Not really.

Still trying to figure it out, I decided to fast asking God where He rather me to go. I always started a fast day, back then, by praying for what I am fasting, before I even finished my prayer, God answered my prayer. My aunt called me telling me a story of when she bought her first car. She found an ok looking car that had nothing wrong with it and then found a car that was very flashy and glamorous. She bought the flashy car and it gave her many problems, including the transmission failing twice (I have no idea what that means, but I guess it's pretty bad). She talked about how she should've picked the less fancier looking car. Suddenly, I knew what God was trying to say to me. I can pick up on the metaphors God sends me.

So, God chose MVNU, and I followed. When I arrived, I was very timid, very uncertain of what was down this new road. I met many people that first week, but only a few became true friends. When I first visited, Jim Singletary, my eventual mentor, struck me with his charisma during that first interchange. I asked him how much money I was going to get and he stuned me. Not because he gave me an amount, but because he didn't get mad or flip out at my audacity to ask such a question. He had me sold when that happened. I made a decision when I was younger that I was going to make it to college without my parents or I paying anything. And God made it to where I never had to pay for anything, except for a summer class (which I had money for) and about $15,000 in loans.

I did the unthinkable a week after arriving. At the talent show, I jumped on stage with 2 guys that I had met less than an hour before the event and was the showstopper. How did I, young and timid, break out of my norm and performed a poem in front of many people I didn't know. I was acclaimed as a poet/rapper. My will that I was going to impose on MVNU had begun. I met so many people and jumped to being one of the most easily recognizable faces in my dorm hall and was beginning to be known by many on campus.

During that first semester I struggled, having a 1.385 GPA at midterms and on the verge of being on academic probation and being kicked out. How could I come back home failing out of college? I already with an Associate's Degree and having great grades pretty much all my life, how could I allow this to happen? Those were the questions I asked myself. Steve William's mother gave a very condemning talk about my grades when I ran into her at the student union one Friday night when she visited.

So, I spent the next couple weekends in the library, studying, working, and next thing I know I finished the semester with a 2.31 GPA. I held off elimination to fight another semester. And I never looked back. I cruised through the next semester with a semester GPA of 2.32, but because of my prior college credit my GPA fell under 3.0. There was something I did that 2nd semester that I wish I could take back and it was a comment I made to someone and offended her a lot. I did that the semester before to another good friend of mine. And if I could do it all again, I would not have said what I said. I didn't remember what I said but I know I hurt her so.

Part II

I started the second year being given some duty from Jim to work under him as a student advocate, alongside the girl I just mentioned. She opposed the decision to put me in that position, and who could blame her. For her to work with me, she would have to set a side our previous interchange when I was completely out of line. But eventually we became better friends and very close friends; I still don't remember how exactly that happened, but I guess when you're around someone long enough, they kind of grow on you.

Responsibility became my new friend, and my grades continued to rise. That year I took on a new persona, The Falcon. How did it come to this? IDK. The summer before that year, I bought an Atlanta Falcons' hat. I started rooting for the Atlanta Falcons on the beginning of that football season.

My alias of "The Falcon" started with an episode of my favorite TV show Boy Meets World. On one episode, the characters were at a ski resort and when Topanga was asked if she could describe her mate with an animal, what would it be? She said a falcon so Cory can fly free. So when asked if his behavior would change if he was cheating on his mate, Cory started freaking out a little bit, but turned around and started laughing at it saying, "I can't believe they would ask me that question. I mean me, the falcon."

After hearing that, I started saying, 'I mean me, the falcon.' My friend, Matt, then upon hearing me call myself "the falcon" decided to call me that. That day gave birth to my new alias "The Falcon". The Peregrine Falcon is the fastest moving animal on earth, when it swoops down to prey on other birds. It flies up to like 300 mph (or more), and at that speed, it could kill himself. But it controls its speed and instead kills the prey. How about that as my alias? It is the deadliest bird in the sky.

Anywho, also that year I wrote and recorded a song with a new friend, Kevin Beebe, part of Life Saving Decision. The song is called "Faith", (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vi8MbkYvzmw) and it was featured on their songs. I rap and get on a Christian CD, isn't that great. It has pushed me in the direction of possibly Christian rap.

Upon the end of that 2nd year, I won an unopposed election for the Student Government as VP of Community Life. I fought against the possibility of being on student government, God took started the process of taking me to the next level. As two of my best friends did not make student government along with me, I realized that God had to separate me from my three best friends (Aaron, Christina, and Price). Aaron, Price, and I went to Cedar Point together with some other friends, that was the funnest (not a word, though) time I've had.

Summer in MVNU (Part 2.5)

Instead of going home, I stayed at school for the summer and ended up with a job in Student Development, Summer RA, and I took a class called Christian Beliefs. Christian Beliefs was my favorite class at MVNU. That summer was an interesting summer as God took me away from my norm at home in Cleveland and taught me some lessons by living in the country life. While on campus, there's an inert ability to focus on God a lot more than at home, so a whole summer of that was great. I got a chance to be around Aaron and his family, and Jim, all summer long, all summer.

God revealed so much to me that summer and I even struggled with the idea of my belief system being valid when there are so many belief systems in the world, even having no belief system. I also came to grips with my future, as I changed my major for the last time, I ended up chopping one year off of my undergrad than what I originally had planned at that point (3 years, undergrad). I also decided to go to grad school immediately after graduation which meant like the following year. So God prepared me for carrying on life without them as I didn't spend much time around them the upcoming year.

Part III

The new year started with SLC week, and with all the excitment of being on SGA and wanting to get out of SGA, I seriously hated SLC week. SGA's only work that week was preparing for the upcoming opening week, and on SGA videos. I played Mike Vick in a commercial too advertise the Cougar Card, as it would give people discounts to my Michael Vick puppy pound playhouse. Slogan: I promise to treat you like my dog (cheesey smile).

I ran into many issues with SGA. No one really helped with other people's events, I didn't see the same level of commitment from everyone, and there was a lot of personnel disputes. A fellow colleague and I had issues over booking the same venue for a retreat. I had already reserved some stuff and he didn't. I ended up getting the raw end of the deal, but it's ok. By the end of the first semester, a colleague who became a good friend, resigned from SGA. She helped me everytime I needed help and she was a really great friend.

Though she resigned because she was moving off campus and getting married, she did note the lack of cohessiveness as an issue. It served as a wake up call to everyone to get it together. I was going my job much better than my predecessors, which was my goal, but I did not know how to balance SGA around my life, but instead did the opposite. As an introvert, my energy was heavily depleted and with the wake up call, I pushed more energy into it. By February, I had become disgruntled and said 'kill' a lot (too much).

SGA that year had some personnel ego and control freak issues, mixed with people who didn't take the job serious, and the rest just didn't hold them accountable, which includes me. In the past SGA was kilqish, this past year we stayed away from each other for the most part. We received a list of all the numbers at the beginning of the year, but I remember sending a text to a colleague who didn't know who I was. I seemed to look down on others as if they weren't doing their job since I was all about my job and put everything into it. It hit me that just because I don't see them doing their job or find peace in the midst of the job doesn't mean they are any less committed than me.

That year God gave me a heart of worship, which was about humility and thinking of God and others before yourself. Of course, I took this concept too far and it drained me to the point I snapped on my best friend, so I knew I needed counseling. Counseling helped and I only told one of my best friends about it. Through talking things out I was able to tackle a lot of my repressed problems and a lot of my hidden pains. How I felt alone and no peace where I dwelled.

After good friends threw me a surprise birthday party a month late, I realized that I wasn't alone and I was loved and was going to be missed upon graduation. That was the defining moment of the year, and I felt okay with leaving because of that. Those people would go on to become my "Falconry". I finished the year coming up second in a campus MVP voting.

What's Next ...

As I stand at the crossroads of my life, I know that my next step, my very next move is the beginning of my life. I am no longer protected by undergrad or my parents. My life starts now! I can't depend on my Falconry, I have to depend on God, and to know that I must surrender my will, my life, and my existence at the mercy of His Will. I must believe that He will take care or me. Now where do I go from here God?

Over the last year, God has revealed to me the idea of going to Moody Bible Institute.

In two weeks, I will be in Chicago, Illinois to begin the next chapter in my life. This fall I will be attending Moody Bible Institute, studying in urban ministry. Many people wonder how is it that I ended up going to Moody. Though I have heard about Moody’s schooling and broadcasting all my life, I never had any real intentions of attending. Last summer when I was working in the Student Development office at MVNU, I got a random thought of attending Grad school immediately after college. At that point, I didn’t know I was about to go into my final year and it was the first time I really thought about grad school after college.

That is when a lady from Moody Bible Institute came walking into our office, only a split second after I said that to my mentor, Jim Singletary. After she left, I mentioned to Jim about going to Moody after MVNU and he began to tell about the doors I would be opening and how it would be an opportunity to grow so much more than I already had at MVNU. He even showed me footage of Joel Olsteen and said one day that would be me. I could imagine myself as Joel Olsteen because we both have very photogenic smiles.

So I decided to go to Moody, but the road that would ensue in the next year would be a journey within itself. A book I was reading last summer titled, “The Five Love Languages for Singles”, mentioned Moody twice within the first couple of pages. This is after already making that decision.

But many factors began to take its toll on me and differed me from going to Moody. The financial situation always come into factor, since I don’t have the type of money to jump right into grad school. Individuals tried to deter me from going to Moody and to go to other theological institutions. And still others asking if this is really the time I should go or maybe down the road.

One Saturday night I prayed to God asking Him to clearly show me His route for my life. With all the noise pollution going on in my head, I couldn’t clearly here God’s voice or even recognize it. So I prayed that if this is where He wants me to go, asking if He can clearly tell me.

The next morning the pastor at the church I was attending back in college preached a sermon about his “wish list” for his congregation. The second of the three wishes was that his congregation would do something crazy and exciting for God that would make no sense to other people, but to do it for God. Only a couple seconds later, He would mention the city of Chicago, where Moody is located. Right then I knew that Moody was definitely the place where God wanted me to be.

The doubt in my mind did not leave after that, but despite all of that my mother gave me the best advice. She said I have to be obedient. No matter what anyone says or if there are any financial issues I have to have faith in God and be obedient to His Will. And with that I decided that I would go to Moody, and let God handle it. My part is to do the necessary paperwork, pay the $450in deposits, and meet the necessary deadlines.

What will happen?

Will there be the Rise of the Falcon? Or will I fail to come alive? All this and more, as I go to Chicago (mane).

THE FALCON SAGA CONTINUES ...

shalom <\T/>