Behind the Shades: CONFESSION

A couple months ago, I wrote a song called "the Mannequin". The song was about a figure who didn't move, didn't have a heart, was passionless, motionless, emotionless, but at the same time adored by many. This figure lived behind a glass window, apathetic, but that glass window is a barrier that separates itself from all. People think they see the truth of this figure, but no one sees through that figure.

I wrote that song about myself because the reality is I am a Christian mannequin. Ministry was a theory, but being at such a great school that gives us an opportunity to practice our life's calling, I have found myself motionless and passionless. I'm not the most practical human being, and the practicality of ministry didn't hit me until I took a class on it. There, I silently sat feeling like a fraud. Knowing that I did none of what they spoke of.

The reality is I don't evangelize and I don't show selfless love, therefore, I am at a lost words or thoughts, or really anything. My soul has been heavily vexed, and I question my call, my salvation. And lately, the uncertainty of everything makes me question if I am a fraud. I have been crying out to God asking Him if He really wants me here and if I am truly called to being a pastor.

My mind is scattered and I don't know what say, but my life is currently in chaos because I question if I am truly called to vocational ministry (i.e., pastor) or if I am truly saved. I fear that I all this time I have been a Pharisee, giving the outward appearance of a Christian, but being deep, down something different. I have been religious and have clung to a moral pride that could never save me. When people ask when I was saved, I can't give them an answer because as far as I have known, I have gone to church and lived the identity of a Christian, and 5 years ago, when I started walking faithfully with the Lord, I did so believing He had called me to ministry.

Unfortunately, I wonder if all this time I was living a lie. I wonder if God really called me or was I just looking for something to do. Five years ago, I was in church ignoring the sermon like usual, all I could think about was what I was going to do as an occupation. I was a senior in high school, who realized they were never good at anything and never really passionate about anything, and all I could think about was the fact that anything I wanted to do ever in my life I either lost interest in or didn't feel I was good enough.

Then after service, I asked my pastor about being a pastor, and he gave me an answer that to this day I don't remember, but whatever it was, I thought it wouldn't be to bad, so that day I said to myself, 'I'm going to be a pastor!' No call. Just an idiot 17-year-old feeling he had no purpose, so he conjured his own one thinking it would lead him to heaven with a free ticket. I saw a pastor getting up and preaching every Sunday, being asked advice or prayer occasionally, and I was made.

I mentioned it to my pastor and he instructed me on Easter Sunday (March 27, 2005 --- the day after my 18th birthday) to come forward and tell the church that I accepted the call to ministry. Now when you are an idiot, now 18-year-old who obeyed everything a person in higher authority told you, you do it. So it couldn't have been scripted any better, and my parents, just about to walk out of the church doors, came back to circle around their son, who seemingly answered a call to ministry.

Hmm, I guess I had no idea what I was doing or what a call meant, but I just went along with it, believing that it was true. So I was given the identity of "pastor-in-training". I thought I found purpose. On the night of prom, my prom date, whom I had a crush on for years, questioned my salvation on account of me being timid, and then I told her I was going to be a pastor, and she went on to say that someone like me wouldn't be a pastor. I took that to heart, and spent the next 24 hours in complete depression. I can't recall ever seeing light because I was in complete darkness. Looking back, I hated that day not because I was rejected by a girl I had a crush on, but maybe I suppressed the memories of that day because someone shot down a hope that I believed in.

I recovered from that narrative believing that it was my true call to ministry. It was God saying, 'do you have courage to trust Me with who you are?' Great, now I can move on. Two months later, I was touched by a sermon at my church's UMC inter-church youth retreat. It was a good message, and they asked the congregation if you felt moved by this sermon to stand, so I stood because again I loved that sermon. Little did I realize that what they meant was if you were being led to accept Jesus as your Savior. So, idiot 18-year-old Tyrome, again made an idiotic mistake. I told them that I did, knowing I was going to get an ovation, but deep down I was like, 'uhm, I'm kinda already a Christian.'

That month, I prayed and fasted on which college God wanted me to go to (MVNU or Morehouse), and God answered my prayer in the middle of my prayer. I got a call on the phone from my aunt telling me a story of how she wanted a really nice car (Morehouse) that gave her so many problems, choosing it over an 'okay' car (MVNU) that probably would have given her no problems had she picked it. I, however, picked up on God's metaphor and chose to go with MVNU, a conservative evangelical Christian liberal arts college.

I entered the college as an accounting major, and didn't do great in it, but did enough to get by. I went that route because it was my back-up plan to ministry, and to this day, not even I understood what that meant. Maybe I wasn't too convinced of my call that this was the back-up gig, or a side gig, or idk. So after I failed an accounting class in my 4th of 6 semesters at MVNU, I decided to ditch accounting because I knew I was going to be a pastor and there was no need to put myself through any more torture. So I switched my major to Finance, then Management, so I could graduate a year early.

I struggled with having only more year left. I would be leaving my friends and everyone I loved more than family ... (idk). The summer prior to that last year, I was sitting in the Student Development office of MVNU (where I worked because I was too lazy to get a real job, and the ppl there had mercy on me), and I was doing some work, then randomly said to myself, 'I'm going to grad school as soon as I am done here.' A split second later, a lady who said she was from Moody (I remember the name because I grew up on WCRF in Cleveland) and after she left, I asked my mentor about going to Moody. He told me that if I went there, I would be opening many doors for myself, and showed me footage of Joel Osteen and all his glory (I'm sorry, I know, I wasn't thoroughly educated on this guy at that point in my life), and he said that one day that could be me. Maybe I saw success, maybe I saw glory, maybe I saw every lust of the eye possible and craved it.

So, I decided, I was going to Moody. But then my road to Moody ensued. I didn't get around to filling out the application until March, mainly because I was busy with the countless responsibilities of my life (Student Government, MCA w/ gym, school work, family, friends). The pressure of life hit me all at once, and in my final semester, sensing the end was near, I snapped on one of my best friends. Because I was so angry and realized something must be wrong with me, I took counseling. At the end, I realized that I was a little burnt out, I had bore so many burdens, and I was trying to push to the end, but I lost it. My sessions ended at the end of the semester with some hard words from the counselor, and realization that I wanted to be remembered at that college, but the way I would be remember would be through the connections I made.

Sorry, got sidetracked, but back to Road to Moody. I didn't have money, and I struggled with if that was where God wanted me to be. One Saturday night, not sure of anything, I said 'God, please tell me if this is where I am going'. Next day in church, the pastor spoke about his desire for his congregation to do something radically-insane for God that made no sense to anyone. He didn't mean it in a sense of 'go, do something stupid', but 'if God is placing something on your heart to do that is crazy, do it and do it for Him.' The next story contain a narrative of being in Chicago, and that's when I knew for sure.

Next stop was Moody. Another situation happened with me trying to get involved in a discussion of theology with my roommates, a was basically a child, in a room full of adults talking, trying to talk. And another situation when I tried to basically share theology with another student, and some other student called me out for being weak and not knowing anything. Both situations helped me to realize how much training I needed training before entering ministry.

So I got accepted in April, wonderful day! But the summer was full of wondering how I was going to pay for Moody. Another night I prayed asking if this was where He wanted me to be on a Saturday night, and the next day, an interim pastor spoke at my church (a woman, I know I know, this was before I read the passage concerning this). She spoke, and oddly enough, this UMC female pastor actually went to Moody. Weirdness! She prayed over me and said I should definitely go there. Part of my struggle at this point in summer 2008 was that many UMC clergy wanted me to go to a Methodist seminary, not Moody. So I struggled wondering if God wanted me at Moody or a Methodist seminary. On the night before my departure, having no money or idea what God wanted, I cried. I, literally, cried saying, 'this is my life on the line, please show me'.

Next day, I set out to Chicago with my family, with the UMC in one ear and the bill collector in the other ear. I was completely unsure if I was supposed to be at Moody. Eventually the money came through with the aid of a generous lady who heard me preach over the summer. So I get there, I struggle through that first semester with a job as a fundraising telemarketer (not anything I would like, but i actually did well thanks to God, cuz it obviously wasn't me). I lost 12 pounds that semester from stress and poor eating habits, and well drinking a lot of Tetley.

1 semester in, I thought I was good, but no I wasn't. God got me there but He wanted more outta me. That semester, I was convicted that I did not truly love God, and I showed less love for people, unless they were best friends. I struggled over that concept throughout the semester, in the summer, I forgave my brother of the countless years of hatred towards him, thanks to my Missions prof.

That summer (2009) I passed up a ministry opportunity in order to be in Cleveland for our first NBA championship, unfortunately, we lost as soon as I got home. That situation showed who the king of my life was, not Jesus, apparently. It was a terrible summer, but the best part of my summer was being able to be around my family the whole summer. I didn't realize that until I came back to Chicago. I also made a terrible mistake, I went to UMC youth retreat as a counselor under guilt of missing out on the aforementioned ministry opportunity. There, I went before everyone and said I was going to go through the UMC ordination process, which most UMC clergy eagerly desired of me. I went forward because the text being preached on was the "Peace, Be Still" episode, and I believe the Spirit was asking me how much I trusted in the Lord for ministry. So I, for the second time, came up under false pretenses.

Turns out in order to go UMC, I would have to leave Moody. WHAT??!?!!!?? The UMC would not recognize my degree from Moody. So I didn't do it. I struggled that next semester wondering if I disobeyed God, but I talked to my Greek III professor and he helped me understand the more important issue. I was so focused on my future, that I didn't think about the fact my theology being shaped at Moody is not consistent with the UMC, and I should be concerned for the UMC because as their clergy, I shouldn't be preaching in contrary to what they stand for. It's not about me, it's more so about them. That is when I decided that it was final, I'm not going that route. Lastly, another reason why I didn't want to go that route is because since my first year at MVNU, I have been told of some questionable practices of the UMC, like ordaining homosexual clergy and faulty theology. Now as far as the homosexual clergy issue goes, I believe that it is no different from a clergy who cheats on his wife, or steals, or whatever sin, but if it is open like that, we should really be mindful of the Word of God, It is our litmus test.

So the UMC hurdle has been cleared, but there's a new issue. In Spring 2010, I was convicted by the passage on bearing my cross in Luke 14:25-33, "The Cost of Discipleship". That is when I was confronted with the fact that ministry, salvation, discipleship, all of it took a complete and full surrender to God. Earlier in February, during Founder's Week, the theme was along the lines of being ppl after God's own heart, which was also my theme for the year. I listened to Dr. Nyquist opening sermon speaking on Saul and going to Acts 13:22, and it was revealed that a person (gender inclusive) after God's own heart is defined by their obedience to do all of God's will. I sat there stunned, saying to myself, "I can't do that". I didn't know what I meant specifically, but I knew I couldn't do it.

As I talked to my Missions prof about following that class discussion on the Cost of Discipleship/Crossbearing, I spilled out everything I was thinking, and I have to admit my struggle didn't start then, it started Spring semester 2009 on my love for others, Fall 2010 on if I was truly saved because I didn't resemble the same zeal that so many Moody students (both grad and undergrad) displayed, then it came down to realizing in Spring 2010 that this whole discipleship-thing, I don't remember signing up for. We ended our meeting asking if I should return this Fall or not. I was also convicted that I came after this journey to ministry for selfish reasons, and I wondered if God really desired for me to be in ministry if the roots were tainted. I asked for prayer from anyone I could think of, and I didn't clearly discern God say leave, so I just operated under the assumption that I will stay the course until something happens. It was the first time I was transparent with so many people at one time. I distinctly remember hearing my friend say to stay in the tension, somehow, I felt like that was the best advice I got.

I signed up for an internship, and was afraid at first because I thought the internship would push me too far. Ultimately, it pushed me beyond that, I decided to go with it because I knew it would be the litmus test to if I was truly called to this. My internship stretched because I came face-to-face with true urban ministry that I could not hide from and a pastor who had a heart for family, evangelism, and strong leadership. All areas that I would rank in the 23%ile of all Evangelical Christians. Evangelism was relatively new to me because I never really heard about it growing up, I never practiced it, and I didn't know I was supposed to do it as a Christian until I came to Moody and had class on it, which the class really sparked this whole issue.

So I tried evangelism three times that summer and failed each time. I went with this church because the morning after I sent an email asking if someone needed an urban intern, the pastor sent an email back saying that they were praying for one. So I took the internship, but didn't pray to confirm if this was God's will, the only prayer was if God wanted me to do an internship to hook me up with one or I'll just wait. So much like my first "calling to ministry" on March 27th, I walked into something without counting the costs, just like the Cost of Discipleship narrative in Luke.

I struggled this past summer. I wanted to be real with staff there so I told them that I was at that moment questioning my call to vocation ministry, and the pastor said to me (after I had some belief that I was still called to it) that I may not have been called to be a senior pastor, but maybe an associate pastor instead. I left that meeting feeling defeated. In my mind, senior pastor was the end game or part of the end game, and having a closed, non-negotiable fist to that concept, I was being told that I may not have been called to it. God eventually worked on me to be willing to open up that palm and not to cling to something so tightly that it was an idol. Then I met the other pastor interns at this church from Trinity, a great godly man who loved the Lord, and I said to myself, 'y'know I wouldn't mind serving next to that guy as an associate pastor.'

During that summer internship, I struggled with believer's baptism because in order to join the church I needed to be "re-baptized", which I did eventually. I struggled in my position because I was awful at it, I lied to the pastor, then beat myself up about it even after he forgave me and forgot about it. My last stand was in August when after dealing with the reality that I didn't evangelize, therefore I question my salvation and calling. With all the issues from the whole summer returning at once, I was hesitant to join the church, but I decided to do so as an act of obedience to God and because my desire to run away from the church was motivated by fear, sin, and discouragement of my poor performance. At end of the internship, I realized that my poor performance was due to a lack of passion what we were doing there in ministry.

My lack of passion is what separates me from the many Moody students who are willing to go to the ends of the earth for the Gospel, who love Jesus Christ with everything (even counting the costs), and are zealous to do good works (Titus 2:14). I went into this semester unsettled on if I should stay here and I am willing to withdraw at a moments notice if I discern God clearly say leave. But what I have heard was stay in the place that your heart was broken (spoken from a dear sister who was reflecting on what the Spirit told her).

I want in. I don't care about the costs anymore, my life if worthless already if I don't have Christ. My fear of being here not being of the Lord, is something I continue to question, but the mere fact that He made a way countless times and hooked me up with jobs and godly people to emulate, makes me wonder how much of this was a real question. My mother always tells me about how when my countenance is low, Satan is having a field day. Well, she's right and he probably has been enjoying the last month of my life, but I wanna believe that the Lord of Breakthrough is working like I've never seen before to make a change.

BOTTOMLINE: I can't say God has called me to do anything besides abide in Him. I want the power of the resurrection to be real in my life. I don't wanna walk pass someone and not be broken for their salvation. My Urban prof said that a lack of an evangelistic focus is a lack of a brokenheart. Well that's where I wanna go and be. I want a brokenheart, for this city, for this nation, for this world. My faith has been my own personal and private faith, but God is calling me to a more public, overt faith. My selfish faith must now be selfless. It's time to a man, who is passionately selfless (I got that from a dear friend's father). I want God to search my heart and break it for Him that it may be synced. I have been having fear of being a fraud or that I am being fake and ppl can see straight through. That I am hiding behind a facade that though I didn't construct (on purpose), but I haven't been intentional in breaking it. I do have a weak sense of the calling on my life, but I must believe in an able, all-powerful God to firm it. My dependence is on Him. I am tired of living in the name of tyrome, but now I must live in the name of Jesus Christ because it is no longer about me, nor has it ever. I must truly live a crucified life, like that of my mission verse in Gal. 2:20.



Be Bold.
Be Vulnerable.
Be Broken.

SUCH GREAT HEIGHTS