From the Inside Out

Have you ever sat back and saw yourself from a 3rd person perspective, and actually evaluate who you are? What do you think you would see? Do you think you would be happy with what you saw? Do you think your conduct would reflect how you originally saw yourself? Could you look at your life from that perspective an admit that your life does not reflect a life glorifying to God?

Well this year, I have had the pleasure to see myself in that perspective, and I was not happy with what I saw. I saw a selfish, glory seeker who operated as if he was the only one who mattered or was worth anything. A person who would willfully ignore the needs of others because it didn't coincide with his initial agenda. I saw a portrait of a person whom I could never imagine being around for more than an hour.

It all started a year ago with someone whom I truly admire as a dear sister in Christ admitted that she was selfish. Being able to attest to her godly character as a woman of God and seeing selfless acts of kindness from her, it was a little bit of a shock to here her say that. But what it did was it stirred something in my spirit and made me aware of myself, and it made me aware of that same conviction.

As God has continued to shape for ministry here at Moody, I have been overwhelmed with the kindness and the selfless love that many people have shown; it has truly humbled me. Not saying I was comparing myself to them, but it showed me how an authentic Christian faith and life was truly lived out. I saw transparency that I was not willing to adhere to, and I saw people who gave of their resources, their time, their energy, and their life, not for some sense of duty, obligation, or glory (my motivations), but just because. (I miss you, Mike)

I fasted twice in the last three days, and it has revived a dead prayer life, but something amazing happened on the first day I fasted. Thursday night prayer: two wonderful individuals open up their home and their hearts every Thursday night for fellowship, worship, and prayer. They do this not because it makes them look holy, but because they enjoy and love it.

As I sat there, people were asked what song they wanted the group to sing, and when it came to me, I went with "From the Inside Out" (they already did "Mighty to Save", my first choice). As much as, I have come to truly embrace and enjoy hymns, I had to go with a Hillsong. So as we were singing, I thought about the words (which is what I have been doing with all the songs), but for some reason the words hit me harder than usual. It is that same reason I picked that song.

To me, the strongest lyric from that song was: "the art of losing myself". That hurts because it is my biggest snare and struggle, myself. And to say "the art" makes it pragmatic and abstract, as I sit here wondering how I can learn this "art" of losing myself, and how it plays out in my everyday life. What I need is to be consumed from the inside out, a cosmetic change that starts in my heart,for it to become a circumcised heart.

As a few others and I were leaving, I was standing outside the door talking to one of my favorite people in the Chi, and I thought about the song, and even reflecting on the epistle of James (a report many people had to turn in this week), I came to a conclusion that God had revealed to me. (My roommate was talking about James and how it emphasizes works a lot, and I responded how I thought the emphasis on works in James was that works permeates from our faith. Faith and works go hand and hand and from our faith we are compelled to do such works.)

That is when I thought about how weak my faith was that I have not come to a point in my life where works or acts of selflessness have naturally permeated from my faith. It has been painful to come to this revelation. From knowing that I was not truly in love with Jesus Christ, to knowing that I didn't love others unconditionally, to realizing that I am a man of little faith. That man in the mirror doesn't look as great as I originally thought.

I have poorly misjudged many people I have met here, and I am thankful to have been wrong, but the person I misjudged the most was myself, and my life should truly reflect my "mission verse" that I have committed to memory in English and Greek:


Χριστῳ συνεσταυρομαι. ζω δε ουκετι εγο, ζῃ δε εν εμοι Χριστος, ὁ δε νυν ζω εν σαρκι, εν πιστει ζω τῃ του υἱου του θεου του αγαπησαντος με και παραδοντος ἑαυτον ύπερ εμου. --- Galatians 2:20