I've been here for 2 years, and though I knew life was going to change this semester, I had no idea that it would be as intense as is. I just completed the single most emotionally draining week I have ever had in my life.
My best female friends have bf, first time since I've met them, I went out with a girl only to later tell her that I was interested in her, someone at my Alma mater committed suicide, my job is driving ne crazy, and finally, I am changing my schedule.
The times they are a changing but I don't want them to. Life hit me so intensely this week that by last night that I checked out of life at 10 pm and did not move. I have been malnourished and physically fatigued.
Last Friday, imagine going through 10 intense emotion shifts in a span of 4-5 hours, in which you experience joy, anticipation, suspence, bitterness, depression, happiness, anxiety, annoyance, and a couple more. Then starting your Monday morning 8-hour shift with a back and forth fb message altercation.
I have declared interest young lady, and since that declaration I have faced fear of what such a concept means for my life and praying that God would direct me to discern if my interest is of Him or of me. Along with that, I have been approached by 5 ppl concerning the "cupcake girl" from me and Paul's cupcake adventure on his birthday. Just to squash all rumers, there is no interest in cupcake girl, but I do love cake. I haven't seen her since the day we met and I haven't been looking.
A guy at my Alma mater, MVNU, committed suicide after apparently breaking up with his girlfriend. The news reached me at approximately 9.30 am Central. My heart broke and I felt compassion for a total stranger who I actually was friends with on fb. I may have recalled seeing him at least once in my time. I cried not only because someone took their life, I thought about a harsh reality that have extracted from every testimony I've given: I have attempted suicide twice. I have had suicidal thoughts and desires to die, with the most recent being a couple weeks ago in the middle of my spiritual civil war with Elohim. I told my mother the truth that day as I asked for prayer for the campus and something else. I could tell it wasn't the most comforting news to hear on a day like Thursday, but I wanted to be straight with her.
Without breakfast, I thought I could handle my job, but I couldn't and any joy I had slowly declined to near the lowest rung.
I had an intense spiritual conversation with a Christian friend exhorting him to go to church and be in the Word. Not sure if he will do either.
By the time Friday night came around I was spent. Tears were lost, loneliness was found and I wrestled with God on a potential dating relationship. Friday came around and I accidentally, triple-booked myself. As I sat in Joe's, recounting the week waiting for a friend to perform a poem, I just couldn't take it anymore. I canceled all the requests for my time and went to sleep for 10 hours. The most i've slept in months. And woke up to hw.
I'm not really ready for all these changes in life. This was not forseen (sp). Though life has been exhausting, it has been good. Though my life changes, I can rest in knowing God won't. He is immutable. He never changes or wavers in His faithfulness and in His love for me. He knows me and knows my fear, but most of all He know the outcome.
If it's one thing my spiritual civil war with God taught me: I must know and love the God I serve because when life gets crazy, I am sustained and rooted in my Salvation and God.
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my Salvation and my God.
PSA 43.5
9.18.10
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
"Jehovah Jireh"
I finally get the song, "I Exalt Thee", not that I didn't know who "Thee" was but because it was so simple and only three words. But today, God left me completely speechless, and all I could say was "I Exalt Thee".
Lately, I have been doing a lot of back and forth thinking about God's Will for my life and if coming to Moody was God's Will or my will gone wrong. I decided to go to Moody because last summer I serious considered grad school for the first time in 3 years and almost as soon as I said that to Jim, a lady from Moody came walking into Student Development, so I was like, 'ok, I'm going to go to Moody.
Fast forward a year later, being accepted but having utterly no idea how I was going to pay for school. UMC clergy kept pushing Methesco (Methodist Theological School) and Garret Evangelical Methodist Seminary on me. And if I go through the ordination process in the UMC and attend a UMC that would pretty much pay my way in there seminaries. But I wanted to go to Moody, and wasn't sure that UMC was for me.I say that because I was deeply considering the current financial issues I am facing now at Moody to be evidence that I was really suppose to go UMC. So I struggled big time! I prayed before I left to come here to Moody that if it was not God's Will, that He would stop before I left. I never felt like He did. So I came out here on faith that God would provide the finances.Blessfully, due to my internship at Cory UMC, I had enough money to pay my first 2 of 5 tuition payments for the semester, and blessfully, one of the guys here helped me get a job that pays $10.15 an hour. (THANK GOD!!!) So with that I would be able to make 4 out of 5 semester payments.
Unfortunately, I would not be able to make my 3rd payment for tuition because I haven't started my job yet.So I prayed and fasted, I even went to Oprah's studios (YES, because I sent 4 letters to her that all got thrown out) to see if I could get money for tuition. My health even declined because I was so worried about how I would be able to stay here that I am right now a little under the weather.The other day, I received text books, with the billing address being my maternal grandmother's. I called and thanked her, but she didn't pay for the books, my mother did and we spoke and when we got off the phone, she could tell that I had something in the back of my mind bothering me.
I called the acting pastor at my UMC church back home, who went to Moody and is a clergy in the UMC (Dr. Clemens), and asked for her advice because I figured she would be neutral and give me an objective position. She endorsed Moody because there they would teach me the WORD.So I owed $850 by last tuesday, and they took the money out of my debit account overdrawing my account, which threw me in a frenzy. So with tuition due and scared because I had no idea how to get the money, I stayed faithful to God. Emphatically, my mother calls me today while I was in training for my job to tell me that she just put $900 in my account, allowing me to pay tuition. It was from my grandmother.
I love my mommy (not afraid to say it). I love my grandma, too. I say all this to just let you know that God provided for me (Jehovah Jireh), and James 1:2-8, helped me get through this tough time, but I just thank God for making a way when it utterly seemed like no way, when I shouldn't have made it, but He made it possible. Thank you for those who prayed for me and I just ask that you would call your grandmothers and just thank her. It doesn't even really have to be a reason, just show her how much you love her because grandmothers rule! All in all, I feel like a heavy load was lifted off my shoulders, and now I can actually start to enjoy my time here.
But besides that, 'til we meet again (and after) ...Shalom be with you all <\T/>
Lately, I have been doing a lot of back and forth thinking about God's Will for my life and if coming to Moody was God's Will or my will gone wrong. I decided to go to Moody because last summer I serious considered grad school for the first time in 3 years and almost as soon as I said that to Jim, a lady from Moody came walking into Student Development, so I was like, 'ok, I'm going to go to Moody.
Fast forward a year later, being accepted but having utterly no idea how I was going to pay for school. UMC clergy kept pushing Methesco (Methodist Theological School) and Garret Evangelical Methodist Seminary on me. And if I go through the ordination process in the UMC and attend a UMC that would pretty much pay my way in there seminaries. But I wanted to go to Moody, and wasn't sure that UMC was for me.I say that because I was deeply considering the current financial issues I am facing now at Moody to be evidence that I was really suppose to go UMC. So I struggled big time! I prayed before I left to come here to Moody that if it was not God's Will, that He would stop before I left. I never felt like He did. So I came out here on faith that God would provide the finances.Blessfully, due to my internship at Cory UMC, I had enough money to pay my first 2 of 5 tuition payments for the semester, and blessfully, one of the guys here helped me get a job that pays $10.15 an hour. (THANK GOD!!!) So with that I would be able to make 4 out of 5 semester payments.
Unfortunately, I would not be able to make my 3rd payment for tuition because I haven't started my job yet.So I prayed and fasted, I even went to Oprah's studios (YES, because I sent 4 letters to her that all got thrown out) to see if I could get money for tuition. My health even declined because I was so worried about how I would be able to stay here that I am right now a little under the weather.The other day, I received text books, with the billing address being my maternal grandmother's. I called and thanked her, but she didn't pay for the books, my mother did and we spoke and when we got off the phone, she could tell that I had something in the back of my mind bothering me.
I called the acting pastor at my UMC church back home, who went to Moody and is a clergy in the UMC (Dr. Clemens), and asked for her advice because I figured she would be neutral and give me an objective position. She endorsed Moody because there they would teach me the WORD.So I owed $850 by last tuesday, and they took the money out of my debit account overdrawing my account, which threw me in a frenzy. So with tuition due and scared because I had no idea how to get the money, I stayed faithful to God. Emphatically, my mother calls me today while I was in training for my job to tell me that she just put $900 in my account, allowing me to pay tuition. It was from my grandmother.
I love my mommy (not afraid to say it). I love my grandma, too. I say all this to just let you know that God provided for me (Jehovah Jireh), and James 1:2-8, helped me get through this tough time, but I just thank God for making a way when it utterly seemed like no way, when I shouldn't have made it, but He made it possible. Thank you for those who prayed for me and I just ask that you would call your grandmothers and just thank her. It doesn't even really have to be a reason, just show her how much you love her because grandmothers rule! All in all, I feel like a heavy load was lifted off my shoulders, and now I can actually start to enjoy my time here.
But besides that, 'til we meet again (and after) ...Shalom be with you all <\T/>
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