Aftermath

I've been here for 2 years, and though I knew life was going to change this semester, I had no idea that it would be as intense as is. I just completed the single most emotionally draining week I have ever had in my life.

My best female friends have bf, first time since I've met them, I went out with a girl only to later tell her that I was interested in her, someone at my Alma mater committed suicide, my job is driving ne crazy, and finally, I am changing my schedule.

The times they are a changing but I don't want them to. Life hit me so intensely this week that by last night that I checked out of life at 10 pm and did not move. I have been malnourished and physically fatigued.

Last Friday, imagine going through 10 intense emotion shifts in a span of 4-5 hours, in which you experience joy, anticipation, suspence, bitterness, depression, happiness, anxiety, annoyance, and a couple more. Then starting your Monday morning 8-hour shift with a back and forth fb message altercation.

I have declared interest young lady, and since that declaration I have faced fear of what such a concept means for my life and praying that God would direct me to discern if my interest is of Him or of me. Along with that, I have been approached by 5 ppl concerning the "cupcake girl" from me and Paul's cupcake adventure on his birthday. Just to squash all rumers, there is no interest in cupcake girl, but I do love cake. I haven't seen her since the day we met and I haven't been looking.

A guy at my Alma mater, MVNU, committed suicide after apparently breaking up with his girlfriend. The news reached me at approximately 9.30 am Central. My heart broke and I felt compassion for a total stranger who I actually was friends with on fb. I may have recalled seeing him at least once in my time. I cried not only because someone took their life, I thought about a harsh reality that have extracted from every testimony I've given: I have attempted suicide twice. I have had suicidal thoughts and desires to die, with the most recent being a couple weeks ago in the middle of my spiritual civil war with Elohim. I told my mother the truth that day as I asked for prayer for the campus and something else. I could tell it wasn't the most comforting news to hear on a day like Thursday, but I wanted to be straight with her.

Without breakfast, I thought I could handle my job, but I couldn't and any joy I had slowly declined to near the lowest rung.

I had an intense spiritual conversation with a Christian friend exhorting him to go to church and be in the Word. Not sure if he will do either.

By the time Friday night came around I was spent. Tears were lost, loneliness was found and I wrestled with God on a potential dating relationship. Friday came around and I accidentally, triple-booked myself. As I sat in Joe's, recounting the week waiting for a friend to perform a poem, I just couldn't take it anymore. I canceled all the requests for my time and went to sleep for 10 hours. The most i've slept in months. And woke up to hw.

I'm not really ready for all these changes in life. This was not forseen (sp). Though life has been exhausting, it has been good. Though my life changes, I can rest in knowing God won't. He is immutable. He never changes or wavers in His faithfulness and in His love for me. He knows me and knows my fear, but most of all He know the outcome.

If it's one thing my spiritual civil war with God taught me: I must know and love the God I serve because when life gets crazy, I am sustained and rooted in my Salvation and God.


Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my Salvation and my God.

PSA 43.5


9.18.10