Post-Falconistic MVNU: 3-part Half Season Premier

Sometimes, I believe, we were not meant to be in certain times in certain places, that God puts us in certain places for certain times. We are put in places for seasons, and then we are uprooted. Maybe to grow more, to experience new things, or maybe to not be where you once were. But it is weird to look at an environment that I once was, and know that I was not meant to be there now.


In a couple weeks, I will be returning to my alma mater at MVNU. Even in the summer and one semester that I have been gone, there has been some significant changes. Changes that I probably would have not been able to deal with if I existed in that society on a regular basis, without having my 3rd nervous breakdown.


I call it a "Post-Falconistic" MVNU. An MVNU that exists without me, and without my influence. The biggest development that I would have to come to grips with is the fact that my always relatively accessible best friend has a girlfriend. Its difficult to know that my relatively accessible best friend may not be as accessible as I would like. If I were around, chances are I would have tried to influence him not to get in a relationship with any girl because I am going thru a stage where I am kinda "anti-relationships". I have not come to terms with it yet and I think I would have felt a little better if he was dating someone I knew, but its something I will have to get over because he could marry her one day, and as 1/2 of my best friend duo and best men, I will have to deal with it anyways.


The second half of the duo that keeps me sane in this lonely world is dealing with anxiety of graduating. He is coming up on his last semester, and not having a job set up after graduation has been the root of his anxiety. I can certainly understand. I worked 2 jobs to pay for grad school and it made me appreciate so much more how undergrad was almost worry-free compared to life now. Finding a job is difficult enough with the economy the way it is. People believe that the Obama adminstration will help things pick-up, but I don't trust in the hands of men, but rather God's. I pray God would help him find a job that is closely associated with his degree, and I have faith he will.


With a new chaplain, new leader in student development, a protege going thru a massive spiritual trial, a best friend possibly falling for another best friend, a mentor who is working alone, and a handful of other Falconry members going thru distress, makes this a very interesting visit.


I miss my friends and they certainly miss me, and I am told that regularly. It feels good to be missed, and to feel like you belong somewhere that people seriously miss you. Dare I say that I did not feel that same acceptance in my home. I grew up bitter, depressed, spiteful, and cold. I blame my family, global warming, or public housing. I think global warming would be more plausible. I can't wait to get back, but I hope that I can handle a small dose of it. Its almost like the return of Jack Bauer to CTU in day 5 of "24". Can Falco survive in the post-Falconistic MVNU? Find out on the mid-season premier of "Rise of the Falcon". Later Days.........


Shalom and Much Hesed to Ya!!!!!!!

<\T/>

Freak-out Friday

Nearly a month ago on Friday, September 10th, I was hit with news and craziness that led me to go through about 10 emotional states in about a 7-hour-stretch. I would not wish this on my worst enemy:

Freak-out Friday's Emotional Rollercoaster:
Exhaustion - 17:00
Excitement - 18:30
Suspense - 19:07
Bitter Anger & Depression - 19:17
Impatience & Annoyance - 20:45
Awkwardness & Discomfort - 21:04
Disappointment - 22:00
Anticipation - 23:30
Compassion - 00:00




10.27.10

Aftermath

I've been here for 2 years, and though I knew life was going to change this semester, I had no idea that it would be as intense as is. I just completed the single most emotionally draining week I have ever had in my life.

My best female friends have bf, first time since I've met them, I went out with a girl only to later tell her that I was interested in her, someone at my Alma mater committed suicide, my job is driving ne crazy, and finally, I am changing my schedule.

The times they are a changing but I don't want them to. Life hit me so intensely this week that by last night that I checked out of life at 10 pm and did not move. I have been malnourished and physically fatigued.

Last Friday, imagine going through 10 intense emotion shifts in a span of 4-5 hours, in which you experience joy, anticipation, suspence, bitterness, depression, happiness, anxiety, annoyance, and a couple more. Then starting your Monday morning 8-hour shift with a back and forth fb message altercation.

I have declared interest young lady, and since that declaration I have faced fear of what such a concept means for my life and praying that God would direct me to discern if my interest is of Him or of me. Along with that, I have been approached by 5 ppl concerning the "cupcake girl" from me and Paul's cupcake adventure on his birthday. Just to squash all rumers, there is no interest in cupcake girl, but I do love cake. I haven't seen her since the day we met and I haven't been looking.

A guy at my Alma mater, MVNU, committed suicide after apparently breaking up with his girlfriend. The news reached me at approximately 9.30 am Central. My heart broke and I felt compassion for a total stranger who I actually was friends with on fb. I may have recalled seeing him at least once in my time. I cried not only because someone took their life, I thought about a harsh reality that have extracted from every testimony I've given: I have attempted suicide twice. I have had suicidal thoughts and desires to die, with the most recent being a couple weeks ago in the middle of my spiritual civil war with Elohim. I told my mother the truth that day as I asked for prayer for the campus and something else. I could tell it wasn't the most comforting news to hear on a day like Thursday, but I wanted to be straight with her.

Without breakfast, I thought I could handle my job, but I couldn't and any joy I had slowly declined to near the lowest rung.

I had an intense spiritual conversation with a Christian friend exhorting him to go to church and be in the Word. Not sure if he will do either.

By the time Friday night came around I was spent. Tears were lost, loneliness was found and I wrestled with God on a potential dating relationship. Friday came around and I accidentally, triple-booked myself. As I sat in Joe's, recounting the week waiting for a friend to perform a poem, I just couldn't take it anymore. I canceled all the requests for my time and went to sleep for 10 hours. The most i've slept in months. And woke up to hw.

I'm not really ready for all these changes in life. This was not forseen (sp). Though life has been exhausting, it has been good. Though my life changes, I can rest in knowing God won't. He is immutable. He never changes or wavers in His faithfulness and in His love for me. He knows me and knows my fear, but most of all He know the outcome.

If it's one thing my spiritual civil war with God taught me: I must know and love the God I serve because when life gets crazy, I am sustained and rooted in my Salvation and God.


Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my Salvation and my God.

PSA 43.5


9.18.10

"Jehovah Jireh"

I finally get the song, "I Exalt Thee", not that I didn't know who "Thee" was but because it was so simple and only three words. But today, God left me completely speechless, and all I could say was "I Exalt Thee".



Lately, I have been doing a lot of back and forth thinking about God's Will for my life and if coming to Moody was God's Will or my will gone wrong. I decided to go to Moody because last summer I serious considered grad school for the first time in 3 years and almost as soon as I said that to Jim, a lady from Moody came walking into Student Development, so I was like, 'ok, I'm going to go to Moody.



Fast forward a year later, being accepted but having utterly no idea how I was going to pay for school. UMC clergy kept pushing Methesco (Methodist Theological School) and Garret Evangelical Methodist Seminary on me. And if I go through the ordination process in the UMC and attend a UMC that would pretty much pay my way in there seminaries. But I wanted to go to Moody, and wasn't sure that UMC was for me.I say that because I was deeply considering the current financial issues I am facing now at Moody to be evidence that I was really suppose to go UMC. So I struggled big time! I prayed before I left to come here to Moody that if it was not God's Will, that He would stop before I left. I never felt like He did. So I came out here on faith that God would provide the finances.Blessfully, due to my internship at Cory UMC, I had enough money to pay my first 2 of 5 tuition payments for the semester, and blessfully, one of the guys here helped me get a job that pays $10.15 an hour. (THANK GOD!!!) So with that I would be able to make 4 out of 5 semester payments.



Unfortunately, I would not be able to make my 3rd payment for tuition because I haven't started my job yet.So I prayed and fasted, I even went to Oprah's studios (YES, because I sent 4 letters to her that all got thrown out) to see if I could get money for tuition. My health even declined because I was so worried about how I would be able to stay here that I am right now a little under the weather.The other day, I received text books, with the billing address being my maternal grandmother's. I called and thanked her, but she didn't pay for the books, my mother did and we spoke and when we got off the phone, she could tell that I had something in the back of my mind bothering me.



I called the acting pastor at my UMC church back home, who went to Moody and is a clergy in the UMC (Dr. Clemens), and asked for her advice because I figured she would be neutral and give me an objective position. She endorsed Moody because there they would teach me the WORD.So I owed $850 by last tuesday, and they took the money out of my debit account overdrawing my account, which threw me in a frenzy. So with tuition due and scared because I had no idea how to get the money, I stayed faithful to God. Emphatically, my mother calls me today while I was in training for my job to tell me that she just put $900 in my account, allowing me to pay tuition. It was from my grandmother.


I love my mommy (not afraid to say it). I love my grandma, too. I say all this to just let you know that God provided for me (Jehovah Jireh), and James 1:2-8, helped me get through this tough time, but I just thank God for making a way when it utterly seemed like no way, when I shouldn't have made it, but He made it possible. Thank you for those who prayed for me and I just ask that you would call your grandmothers and just thank her. It doesn't even really have to be a reason, just show her how much you love her because grandmothers rule! All in all, I feel like a heavy load was lifted off my shoulders, and now I can actually start to enjoy my time here.



But besides that, 'til we meet again (and after) ...Shalom be with you all <\T/>

Junctions

Just to let you know, with a week before I move into Moody, I have become a little anal retentive because of the financial situation. While I was fasting for my journey ahead, an issue came up today about my class schedule. Because I didn't pay any money towards tuition fees by August 1st, I was dropped from all my classes. I enrolled for those classes last month and I thought I was set, for now.


With a situation like this coming up as far as finances for classes, getting a letter from a Methodist seminary, and fasting to petition for God to reveal to me His Will for me as far as the next step in my journey. I was beginning to think God was revealing to me to go instead to the Methodist seminary, but I was talking to my mother about the money dilemma and what God was revealing to her spirit about the situation.


She said that her spirit was saying that I knew where I am suppose to go in my heart, but I wasn't sure about it was good enough. She went on to say that she knows that she needs God especially when she comes to a road and doesn't know where to go from left to right. She mentioned that to show how we need God so much just to tell us to go left or right. That sparked a thought that came to mind of when I went to my Shane and Rachel Layne's wedding.


That night (8/3), I drove from Lima to Cleveland, a journey I never made. The directions I printed out from MapQuest told me to take two turns to get on route 30 east take it to I-71 N. I knew once I got to 71, then I would be good and get home, but it was getting to 71.


As I drove on what felt like forever on route 30, I approached a junction with route 30 east merging with route 67. The directions said nothing about a merger with this route and the 30 east was only merging with 67 S. Now here's my dilemma, I know in order to go home I needed to go north, but since the direction only said 30 east, which means I should stay south, but it sounded stupid to go south instead of north.


I decided to go 67 S (with 30 E), but then I decided well I know I have to go north, so I will go with north, so with a very little time to spare, I switched lanes to the left to go north. Then I thought, well I have to stick to the directions though it looks like it is taking me a direction that seems to make no sense and be counterproductive.


So with very little time to spare and at the very last second, I merge back to go south. After being on 30 east-67 south for a long time wondering if I made the right decision (as a management degree graduate, I have challenged myself to make great decisions and stick with it, like point guards and quarterbacks, especially when I start a business), I decided that the decision I made the wrong decision and that I was a complete moron to drive south when home is north.


After getting to a half-tank of gas, I knew that I should probably stop for gas at the next exit because I had no idea where I was going and it would be best for me to get gas now because I don't know when I will get the next chance. I got gas, then I called my father to see if I could use the GPS on my cell phone. He said 'yeah', but asked me if I was lost, and I said 'kinda'.



At the gas station, I asked a lady working how to get to I-71 and she said to take 67-S to the next exit to 30 east and it will take me to 71. Great! Good thing I stopped because I might not have known to get off. So I do what she says, and yet I find myself driving forever. And then I found myself approaching Mansfield, which I know is too far south, knowing I would be going near MVNU.


So I decided to call Christina to see if her GPS hand-held computer thing could help me find myself (I realize that GPS go by the position of the GPS, but there was hope that it could pull up a map of where I was). The GPS on my phone said that I didn't have enough resources (maybe battery power) to run it, so I couldn't pull it up. When I call her, she is outside of her house and gets on the computer to help me find where I was.


She asks for the nearest rod on the next exit and the city I thought I was in (Mansfield). She then tells me that 71 is actually coming up and that I should see an exit on the right that said something and when I looked up and saw that street. A couple seconds later, I see 71 down about 2 miles away (with my keen, falcon-like eyesight). Right then I knew I was going to be ok and that i would finally get home, and I did a little after midnight (I left at 8:45, and the directions said about 3 hours, so with the stop for gas, I actually made it in perfect timing).


After I got home, I realized that I went the right way because I had to south in order to hit 71. I forgot I was suppose to do that from the view of the state map.


All through the ride when I made that junction decision, I was praying to God to take me home in good time. When I made it to 71, I thanked God so much for getting me that far. My father called me 3 times, and my mother told me today when that happened that he said he couldn't go to sleep because I was kinda lost. I called him once I got to 71, to let him know I was fine, and I thanked God for a father who loved me, and even though I never really felt that love growing up, I felt it more than ever. It was a humbling experience to doubt a decision I made and to be wrong when I realized that I was initially right in that decision. God led me home!!!


And how it relates to today. Well it finally revealed to me that I am suppose to go to Moody. I have been back and forth about wondering if God's Will was for me to go to Moody like my decision at the junctions. The doubt of going to Moody came with financial obstacles coming up and UMC clergy trying to force Methodist seminaries on me, it was hard to hear God's voice over the noise pollution in my head. Me going south and thinking it made no sense was like me going to a seminary that was not the seminary of my denomination (though I don't want to go that route).


I was afraid I was trying to do my will over God's Will. So I made the decision to go south (west to Moody) and I have denounce that decision, but now I know that no matter how long this route is and how dark my path was, and how dumb it seemed to be, I am starting to see 71 and knowing that God led me to the right route, and it was the right route that will lead me home.


Shalom <\T/>

Summer Sermons

Today was my sermon at the church I am interning at, and it was by far my best sermon. It was sermon 7 or 8, but it was a great improvement from the 2 previous ones of this summer.

The first sermon of the summer was on Father's Day at my home church and it was about how fathers are very important and vital in the life of children. It was good information, but the delivery was dry and I forced the landing (ending). I was feeling really good and wanted to get up there and preach really well, but unfortunately for me UMC services last forever before a sermon and there are no long sessions of Praise & Worship, like my best friend's church. So after awhile in the service, I lost all motivation to speak. It didn't help that the music was very dry and dead.

The second sermon was at a church 2 weeks ago that doesn't have a pastor. I knew that without a pastor, I had to bring my A game. Unfortunately for me, I forced it to much and it didn't come out well. The message was really good; it was about the importance of community and it had so much good knowledge in it to show why communities are so good. My landing wasn't good and I forced that too much and went on too long. The music was barely visible.

The third sermon from today, was truly the best sermon I have had. My energy was good, material was great, delivery was on point. The first summer sermon was a 5-point sermon, second was a 3-point sermon, and this one I guess was just 1-point. I compared the Call of Moses in Exodus 3 & 4 to God leading me to go to Moody. I recreated the dialogue between God and Moses; putting my own twist to it. I started with a poem I wrote (it was the previous poem). I ended the sermon with my own story of my journey to Moody. The landing was better than the first two, but not that great. That one was by far my best and the music was really good. My former choir director is at this church and had really great music that really kept me in the spirit.

The night before this sermon, I really prayed hard and for the first I cried and was balling my eyes praying about Moody, praying about my sermon, and praying about all my life issues that I was going through, and I felt so much comfort in God that I broke down because I knew what I was going through was not going to last like all the other problems I've ever faced. God brought me through this and as I look to the next journey, a reassuring voice told me to be patient with the Holy Spirit. And with God working on His Time not ours and with less than 2 weeks left, it's time for me to really have faith that it will will be ok and God will handle that.

shalom <\T/>

Untitled #5 (Chi-Town Bound)

Where I am going? What am I suppose to do?
So many paths lie before me, which one leads me to You?
So many times I’ve been down this road of depression
You’d think after the first time I would’ve learned my lesson
So instead I sit here guessing
It’s for that very same reason that I have so many questions
Like who am I suppose to be? And where am I being led?
And which one of these roads will have me end up dead?
Yet a still small voice I hear reassures me safety
But in the midst of that, I still say ‘maybe’
Is it this road? How can I be so sure?
What new trials will I face? What new burdens most I endure?
Can I master these uncharted waters without a tour?
It’s this one? Are You sure?
Is it really the path less traveled and roamed?
Is it really the one that will take me away from everything I’ve ever known?
How can I be so sure this path leads me to You?
Rid me of my own intuition, so I can rely on You