Friday, January 23, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Return of the Falcon
Well my triumphant return to MVNU was beautiful. It felt great to come back to MVNU, to be around ppl i haven't seen in forever, and to be shown so much love. I'm glad I had the chance to fellowship with great friends, the warm embraces, and just being able to see everyone face 2 face rather than over text or facebook messages.
It has been a tough year for everyone, but it has been a year that God has taken each one of us and has molded us to be stronger, better, for Him. I thank God for your struggles and for mine because He is using this struggles, despite pressure from the enemy, to refine us to, to draw us closer to Him, to humble to a point of just reliance on God.
But back to my visit, nothing was funnier than going to make some tea, and I walked passed Wendi w/o her knowing it was me, and then I came up to her and asked if Student Dev. had honey, she looked up and was like "WHOA". Many people recognized my voice, and others saw me from a distance and ran up to me, and gave me a huge hug.
There is nothing like that feeling, a feeling that ppl love you and truly missed you. I couldn't have expected anything better than being treated like someone who was treasured and meant a lot to so many ppl. I am just in awe of how God has used others to show me love, show me that I am not alone in this world.
<\T/>HANK YOU!!!
It has been a tough year for everyone, but it has been a year that God has taken each one of us and has molded us to be stronger, better, for Him. I thank God for your struggles and for mine because He is using this struggles, despite pressure from the enemy, to refine us to, to draw us closer to Him, to humble to a point of just reliance on God.
But back to my visit, nothing was funnier than going to make some tea, and I walked passed Wendi w/o her knowing it was me, and then I came up to her and asked if Student Dev. had honey, she looked up and was like "WHOA". Many people recognized my voice, and others saw me from a distance and ran up to me, and gave me a huge hug.
There is nothing like that feeling, a feeling that ppl love you and truly missed you. I couldn't have expected anything better than being treated like someone who was treasured and meant a lot to so many ppl. I am just in awe of how God has used others to show me love, show me that I am not alone in this world.
<\T/>HANK YOU!!!
Friday, January 16, 2009
When you love someone, you love them through the heartbreaks and the scars. when those heartbreaks and scars become idols, you love that person through their idolatry. i fell in love with a girl, who is worth so much more than she will ever know. men have broken her heart and recently, she has seen two of her best male friends break her heart. though i plead "not guilty", you will beg to differ. it comes a point when you refuse to take blame for something that was out of your hands, and you have to call people out on their idolatry. not to get on your own self-righteous soapbox, but to remind the of God. my new hebrew name is Zechariah, which means "YHWH has remembered", but I want to believe that this name means, "remember YHWH". i love her, not in a romantic sense, but i love her in a way that makes me value her friendship and fellowship. it hurts that she hates me, or wants to inflict physical pain on me, but if she wants to destroy our friendship of 2 1/2 years, i must honor her decision, but no matter what i will undoubtedly love her to the bitter end. but no matter if she hates me forever or not, but i hope that in my reaction to her or how i live my life will compel her and others to remember YHWH.
1.16.11
1.16.11
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Post-Falconistic MVNU: 3-part Half Season Premier
Sometimes, I believe, we were not meant to be in certain times in certain places, that God puts us in certain places for certain times. We are put in places for seasons, and then we are uprooted. Maybe to grow more, to experience new things, or maybe to not be where you once were. But it is weird to look at an environment that I once was, and know that I was not meant to be there now.
In a couple weeks, I will be returning to my alma mater at MVNU. Even in the summer and one semester that I have been gone, there has been some significant changes. Changes that I probably would have not been able to deal with if I existed in that society on a regular basis, without having my 3rd nervous breakdown.
I call it a "Post-Falconistic" MVNU. An MVNU that exists without me, and without my influence. The biggest development that I would have to come to grips with is the fact that my always relatively accessible best friend has a girlfriend. Its difficult to know that my relatively accessible best friend may not be as accessible as I would like. If I were around, chances are I would have tried to influence him not to get in a relationship with any girl because I am going thru a stage where I am kinda "anti-relationships". I have not come to terms with it yet and I think I would have felt a little better if he was dating someone I knew, but its something I will have to get over because he could marry her one day, and as 1/2 of my best friend duo and best men, I will have to deal with it anyways.
The second half of the duo that keeps me sane in this lonely world is dealing with anxiety of graduating. He is coming up on his last semester, and not having a job set up after graduation has been the root of his anxiety. I can certainly understand. I worked 2 jobs to pay for grad school and it made me appreciate so much more how undergrad was almost worry-free compared to life now. Finding a job is difficult enough with the economy the way it is. People believe that the Obama adminstration will help things pick-up, but I don't trust in the hands of men, but rather God's. I pray God would help him find a job that is closely associated with his degree, and I have faith he will.
With a new chaplain, new leader in student development, a protege going thru a massive spiritual trial, a best friend possibly falling for another best friend, a mentor who is working alone, and a handful of other Falconry members going thru distress, makes this a very interesting visit.
I miss my friends and they certainly miss me, and I am told that regularly. It feels good to be missed, and to feel like you belong somewhere that people seriously miss you. Dare I say that I did not feel that same acceptance in my home. I grew up bitter, depressed, spiteful, and cold. I blame my family, global warming, or public housing. I think global warming would be more plausible. I can't wait to get back, but I hope that I can handle a small dose of it. Its almost like the return of Jack Bauer to CTU in day 5 of "24". Can Falco survive in the post-Falconistic MVNU? Find out on the mid-season premier of "Rise of the Falcon". Later Days.........
Shalom and Much Hesed to Ya!!!!!!!
<\T/>
In a couple weeks, I will be returning to my alma mater at MVNU. Even in the summer and one semester that I have been gone, there has been some significant changes. Changes that I probably would have not been able to deal with if I existed in that society on a regular basis, without having my 3rd nervous breakdown.
I call it a "Post-Falconistic" MVNU. An MVNU that exists without me, and without my influence. The biggest development that I would have to come to grips with is the fact that my always relatively accessible best friend has a girlfriend. Its difficult to know that my relatively accessible best friend may not be as accessible as I would like. If I were around, chances are I would have tried to influence him not to get in a relationship with any girl because I am going thru a stage where I am kinda "anti-relationships". I have not come to terms with it yet and I think I would have felt a little better if he was dating someone I knew, but its something I will have to get over because he could marry her one day, and as 1/2 of my best friend duo and best men, I will have to deal with it anyways.
The second half of the duo that keeps me sane in this lonely world is dealing with anxiety of graduating. He is coming up on his last semester, and not having a job set up after graduation has been the root of his anxiety. I can certainly understand. I worked 2 jobs to pay for grad school and it made me appreciate so much more how undergrad was almost worry-free compared to life now. Finding a job is difficult enough with the economy the way it is. People believe that the Obama adminstration will help things pick-up, but I don't trust in the hands of men, but rather God's. I pray God would help him find a job that is closely associated with his degree, and I have faith he will.
With a new chaplain, new leader in student development, a protege going thru a massive spiritual trial, a best friend possibly falling for another best friend, a mentor who is working alone, and a handful of other Falconry members going thru distress, makes this a very interesting visit.
I miss my friends and they certainly miss me, and I am told that regularly. It feels good to be missed, and to feel like you belong somewhere that people seriously miss you. Dare I say that I did not feel that same acceptance in my home. I grew up bitter, depressed, spiteful, and cold. I blame my family, global warming, or public housing. I think global warming would be more plausible. I can't wait to get back, but I hope that I can handle a small dose of it. Its almost like the return of Jack Bauer to CTU in day 5 of "24". Can Falco survive in the post-Falconistic MVNU? Find out on the mid-season premier of "Rise of the Falcon". Later Days.........
Shalom and Much Hesed to Ya!!!!!!!
<\T/>
Monday, October 27, 2008
Freak-out Friday
Nearly a month ago on Friday, September 10th, I was hit with news and craziness that led me to go through about 10 emotional states in about a 7-hour-stretch. I would not wish this on my worst enemy:
Freak-out Friday's Emotional Rollercoaster:
Exhaustion - 17:00
Excitement - 18:30
Suspense - 19:07
Bitter Anger & Depression - 19:17
Impatience & Annoyance - 20:45
Awkwardness & Discomfort - 21:04
Disappointment - 22:00
Anticipation - 23:30
Compassion - 00:00
10.27.10
Freak-out Friday's Emotional Rollercoaster:
Exhaustion - 17:00
Excitement - 18:30
Suspense - 19:07
Bitter Anger & Depression - 19:17
Impatience & Annoyance - 20:45
Awkwardness & Discomfort - 21:04
Disappointment - 22:00
Anticipation - 23:30
Compassion - 00:00
10.27.10
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Aftermath
I've been here for 2 years, and though I knew life was going to change this semester, I had no idea that it would be as intense as is. I just completed the single most emotionally draining week I have ever had in my life.
My best female friends have bf, first time since I've met them, I went out with a girl only to later tell her that I was interested in her, someone at my Alma mater committed suicide, my job is driving ne crazy, and finally, I am changing my schedule.
The times they are a changing but I don't want them to. Life hit me so intensely this week that by last night that I checked out of life at 10 pm and did not move. I have been malnourished and physically fatigued.
Last Friday, imagine going through 10 intense emotion shifts in a span of 4-5 hours, in which you experience joy, anticipation, suspence, bitterness, depression, happiness, anxiety, annoyance, and a couple more. Then starting your Monday morning 8-hour shift with a back and forth fb message altercation.
I have declared interest young lady, and since that declaration I have faced fear of what such a concept means for my life and praying that God would direct me to discern if my interest is of Him or of me. Along with that, I have been approached by 5 ppl concerning the "cupcake girl" from me and Paul's cupcake adventure on his birthday. Just to squash all rumers, there is no interest in cupcake girl, but I do love cake. I haven't seen her since the day we met and I haven't been looking.
A guy at my Alma mater, MVNU, committed suicide after apparently breaking up with his girlfriend. The news reached me at approximately 9.30 am Central. My heart broke and I felt compassion for a total stranger who I actually was friends with on fb. I may have recalled seeing him at least once in my time. I cried not only because someone took their life, I thought about a harsh reality that have extracted from every testimony I've given: I have attempted suicide twice. I have had suicidal thoughts and desires to die, with the most recent being a couple weeks ago in the middle of my spiritual civil war with Elohim. I told my mother the truth that day as I asked for prayer for the campus and something else. I could tell it wasn't the most comforting news to hear on a day like Thursday, but I wanted to be straight with her.
Without breakfast, I thought I could handle my job, but I couldn't and any joy I had slowly declined to near the lowest rung.
I had an intense spiritual conversation with a Christian friend exhorting him to go to church and be in the Word. Not sure if he will do either.
By the time Friday night came around I was spent. Tears were lost, loneliness was found and I wrestled with God on a potential dating relationship. Friday came around and I accidentally, triple-booked myself. As I sat in Joe's, recounting the week waiting for a friend to perform a poem, I just couldn't take it anymore. I canceled all the requests for my time and went to sleep for 10 hours. The most i've slept in months. And woke up to hw.
I'm not really ready for all these changes in life. This was not forseen (sp). Though life has been exhausting, it has been good. Though my life changes, I can rest in knowing God won't. He is immutable. He never changes or wavers in His faithfulness and in His love for me. He knows me and knows my fear, but most of all He know the outcome.
If it's one thing my spiritual civil war with God taught me: I must know and love the God I serve because when life gets crazy, I am sustained and rooted in my Salvation and God.
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my Salvation and my God.
PSA 43.5
9.18.10
My best female friends have bf, first time since I've met them, I went out with a girl only to later tell her that I was interested in her, someone at my Alma mater committed suicide, my job is driving ne crazy, and finally, I am changing my schedule.
The times they are a changing but I don't want them to. Life hit me so intensely this week that by last night that I checked out of life at 10 pm and did not move. I have been malnourished and physically fatigued.
Last Friday, imagine going through 10 intense emotion shifts in a span of 4-5 hours, in which you experience joy, anticipation, suspence, bitterness, depression, happiness, anxiety, annoyance, and a couple more. Then starting your Monday morning 8-hour shift with a back and forth fb message altercation.
I have declared interest young lady, and since that declaration I have faced fear of what such a concept means for my life and praying that God would direct me to discern if my interest is of Him or of me. Along with that, I have been approached by 5 ppl concerning the "cupcake girl" from me and Paul's cupcake adventure on his birthday. Just to squash all rumers, there is no interest in cupcake girl, but I do love cake. I haven't seen her since the day we met and I haven't been looking.
A guy at my Alma mater, MVNU, committed suicide after apparently breaking up with his girlfriend. The news reached me at approximately 9.30 am Central. My heart broke and I felt compassion for a total stranger who I actually was friends with on fb. I may have recalled seeing him at least once in my time. I cried not only because someone took their life, I thought about a harsh reality that have extracted from every testimony I've given: I have attempted suicide twice. I have had suicidal thoughts and desires to die, with the most recent being a couple weeks ago in the middle of my spiritual civil war with Elohim. I told my mother the truth that day as I asked for prayer for the campus and something else. I could tell it wasn't the most comforting news to hear on a day like Thursday, but I wanted to be straight with her.
Without breakfast, I thought I could handle my job, but I couldn't and any joy I had slowly declined to near the lowest rung.
I had an intense spiritual conversation with a Christian friend exhorting him to go to church and be in the Word. Not sure if he will do either.
By the time Friday night came around I was spent. Tears were lost, loneliness was found and I wrestled with God on a potential dating relationship. Friday came around and I accidentally, triple-booked myself. As I sat in Joe's, recounting the week waiting for a friend to perform a poem, I just couldn't take it anymore. I canceled all the requests for my time and went to sleep for 10 hours. The most i've slept in months. And woke up to hw.
I'm not really ready for all these changes in life. This was not forseen (sp). Though life has been exhausting, it has been good. Though my life changes, I can rest in knowing God won't. He is immutable. He never changes or wavers in His faithfulness and in His love for me. He knows me and knows my fear, but most of all He know the outcome.
If it's one thing my spiritual civil war with God taught me: I must know and love the God I serve because when life gets crazy, I am sustained and rooted in my Salvation and God.
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my Salvation and my God.
PSA 43.5
9.18.10
Saturday, September 6, 2008
"Jehovah Jireh"
I finally get the song, "I Exalt Thee", not that I didn't know who "Thee" was but because it was so simple and only three words. But today, God left me completely speechless, and all I could say was "I Exalt Thee".
Lately, I have been doing a lot of back and forth thinking about God's Will for my life and if coming to Moody was God's Will or my will gone wrong. I decided to go to Moody because last summer I serious considered grad school for the first time in 3 years and almost as soon as I said that to Jim, a lady from Moody came walking into Student Development, so I was like, 'ok, I'm going to go to Moody.
Fast forward a year later, being accepted but having utterly no idea how I was going to pay for school. UMC clergy kept pushing Methesco (Methodist Theological School) and Garret Evangelical Methodist Seminary on me. And if I go through the ordination process in the UMC and attend a UMC that would pretty much pay my way in there seminaries. But I wanted to go to Moody, and wasn't sure that UMC was for me.I say that because I was deeply considering the current financial issues I am facing now at Moody to be evidence that I was really suppose to go UMC. So I struggled big time! I prayed before I left to come here to Moody that if it was not God's Will, that He would stop before I left. I never felt like He did. So I came out here on faith that God would provide the finances.Blessfully, due to my internship at Cory UMC, I had enough money to pay my first 2 of 5 tuition payments for the semester, and blessfully, one of the guys here helped me get a job that pays $10.15 an hour. (THANK GOD!!!) So with that I would be able to make 4 out of 5 semester payments.
Unfortunately, I would not be able to make my 3rd payment for tuition because I haven't started my job yet.So I prayed and fasted, I even went to Oprah's studios (YES, because I sent 4 letters to her that all got thrown out) to see if I could get money for tuition. My health even declined because I was so worried about how I would be able to stay here that I am right now a little under the weather.The other day, I received text books, with the billing address being my maternal grandmother's. I called and thanked her, but she didn't pay for the books, my mother did and we spoke and when we got off the phone, she could tell that I had something in the back of my mind bothering me.
I called the acting pastor at my UMC church back home, who went to Moody and is a clergy in the UMC (Dr. Clemens), and asked for her advice because I figured she would be neutral and give me an objective position. She endorsed Moody because there they would teach me the WORD.So I owed $850 by last tuesday, and they took the money out of my debit account overdrawing my account, which threw me in a frenzy. So with tuition due and scared because I had no idea how to get the money, I stayed faithful to God. Emphatically, my mother calls me today while I was in training for my job to tell me that she just put $900 in my account, allowing me to pay tuition. It was from my grandmother.
I love my mommy (not afraid to say it). I love my grandma, too. I say all this to just let you know that God provided for me (Jehovah Jireh), and James 1:2-8, helped me get through this tough time, but I just thank God for making a way when it utterly seemed like no way, when I shouldn't have made it, but He made it possible. Thank you for those who prayed for me and I just ask that you would call your grandmothers and just thank her. It doesn't even really have to be a reason, just show her how much you love her because grandmothers rule! All in all, I feel like a heavy load was lifted off my shoulders, and now I can actually start to enjoy my time here.
But besides that, 'til we meet again (and after) ...Shalom be with you all <\T/>
Lately, I have been doing a lot of back and forth thinking about God's Will for my life and if coming to Moody was God's Will or my will gone wrong. I decided to go to Moody because last summer I serious considered grad school for the first time in 3 years and almost as soon as I said that to Jim, a lady from Moody came walking into Student Development, so I was like, 'ok, I'm going to go to Moody.
Fast forward a year later, being accepted but having utterly no idea how I was going to pay for school. UMC clergy kept pushing Methesco (Methodist Theological School) and Garret Evangelical Methodist Seminary on me. And if I go through the ordination process in the UMC and attend a UMC that would pretty much pay my way in there seminaries. But I wanted to go to Moody, and wasn't sure that UMC was for me.I say that because I was deeply considering the current financial issues I am facing now at Moody to be evidence that I was really suppose to go UMC. So I struggled big time! I prayed before I left to come here to Moody that if it was not God's Will, that He would stop before I left. I never felt like He did. So I came out here on faith that God would provide the finances.Blessfully, due to my internship at Cory UMC, I had enough money to pay my first 2 of 5 tuition payments for the semester, and blessfully, one of the guys here helped me get a job that pays $10.15 an hour. (THANK GOD!!!) So with that I would be able to make 4 out of 5 semester payments.
Unfortunately, I would not be able to make my 3rd payment for tuition because I haven't started my job yet.So I prayed and fasted, I even went to Oprah's studios (YES, because I sent 4 letters to her that all got thrown out) to see if I could get money for tuition. My health even declined because I was so worried about how I would be able to stay here that I am right now a little under the weather.The other day, I received text books, with the billing address being my maternal grandmother's. I called and thanked her, but she didn't pay for the books, my mother did and we spoke and when we got off the phone, she could tell that I had something in the back of my mind bothering me.
I called the acting pastor at my UMC church back home, who went to Moody and is a clergy in the UMC (Dr. Clemens), and asked for her advice because I figured she would be neutral and give me an objective position. She endorsed Moody because there they would teach me the WORD.So I owed $850 by last tuesday, and they took the money out of my debit account overdrawing my account, which threw me in a frenzy. So with tuition due and scared because I had no idea how to get the money, I stayed faithful to God. Emphatically, my mother calls me today while I was in training for my job to tell me that she just put $900 in my account, allowing me to pay tuition. It was from my grandmother.
I love my mommy (not afraid to say it). I love my grandma, too. I say all this to just let you know that God provided for me (Jehovah Jireh), and James 1:2-8, helped me get through this tough time, but I just thank God for making a way when it utterly seemed like no way, when I shouldn't have made it, but He made it possible. Thank you for those who prayed for me and I just ask that you would call your grandmothers and just thank her. It doesn't even really have to be a reason, just show her how much you love her because grandmothers rule! All in all, I feel like a heavy load was lifted off my shoulders, and now I can actually start to enjoy my time here.
But besides that, 'til we meet again (and after) ...Shalom be with you all <\T/>
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